My Objective

At my last corporate job my salary was $140,000 a year. I had a company car. I had a company credit card. I traveled six days a week. Other than the fixed costs of housing and utilities I had few expenses.
I quit that job to do better, to achieve more.
What is better? What is more?
My objective is to reach annual income of $200,000.

Re Firing Energy

Giving up, giving in, accepting an outcome other than my objective is infuriatingly seductive.

The slightest tinge of resistance sends me into deep stagnation.

I fritter the day away with pity filled vignettes where I cast myself a wronged but valiant warrior.

Logically I can see the futility of this behavior but the emotions are unbelievably powerful.

The only way to save myself in that instance is to forcibly will myself to do at least one tiny minuscule simple task toward my objective in hopes of re firing my energy in the proper direction.

The battle to do even that is monumental and exhausting. I am ashamed to admit oftentimes I fail.

Conditioned for Specific Results

A sports team has one objective, to win a championship. Failure to do so immediately or quickly usually results in dismissal of personnel. Every once in a while subjective metrics or barriers perceived out of the norm will buy time but the quest for a championship is a zero sum business. Achieve the objective or be replaced.
The same is true for most sales people, corporate officers or any business in general. The specific objective of sales, revenue and profit must be achieved or you will be dismissed and replaced.
In order to achieve the results you wish your mind must be conditioned to not only exist but thrive in a high pressure situation that demands specific results.

Systematic Change and the Bending of Wood

If you want to change the shape of wood the best technique is to first cut it into small strips ¼ to 1/8 of an inch. That makes the wood more pliable. You then take each individual piece and glue or epoxy them together to create a whole. Next using clamps the piece is fitted to a form and allowed to set. Depending on the type of wood the entire process might take hours to days.
I think about this process when I make changes in my life. When I was younger I expected change to hit like a lightning bolt, massive, instant and complete. And to a certain extent it was true. That is because my mind was not set in its ways. I was more open to new habits and activities.
As I have gotten older I have noticed that change is a more systematic process, one I must deliberately undertake. I break down the components of change into manageable areas. I then examine it as a whole and allow time to pass. When I have done this I can become who I want to be and achieve the objectives I set out to achieve.

Depression from avoidance

My brother and my dad lie in graves side by side in the cemetery in Evanston Wyoming. My dad died at the age of 65. My brother, 46. Both had health problems. Both suffered from depression. I know that because I am constantly susceptible to depression myself. The dark times of feeling alone no matter how many people are around me or love me. Sometimes I feel what I do in life is meaningless. Usually the feeling subsides before I get too despondent.
One source of my depression is the desire to try and escape the pressure of life. I tried for years to eradicate, or at least avoid, conflict or confrontation. I even considered that the goal of a life well lived. I searched for a place to live where I felt I was content. I looked for a job where I felt valued without being stressed. I wanted to do my job, travel home and safely envelope myself in my preferred distractions, hidden far enough away that I did have to deal with situations that were negative. But the more I stripped my life of risk, conflict or stress the more meaningless I felt. I ended up more depressed because I lacked purpose.
Stress and conflict are painful parts of existence, but they are necessary parts. Just like too much of them can do harm, too little can hurt as well.

Motivation for Change

Actions, thoughts, reactions are like the paths of a river, forged deep with time. To change habits is to do major excavation.
Change is constant. Change is evolving. It is not a onetime event. Change is letting go. Even though chewing was a nasty habit I still loved the feeling of nicotine, of packing a can, of putting in a dip of periodically spitting. But those comforts were no longer worth the cost of my overall health.
I quit my job and gave up the company car, the six figure salary and the company credit card because I no longer wanted to do work I did not like or be away from my daughter. The feeling that I was basically signing my life over was no longer worth the paycheck and the perks.
But that wasn’t my only motivation for change. I believed I could reach the next level. I had the company car the title. For me the next level was $200,000 a year income. After that I wanted to double my income and then double it again.

You don’t get to choose

You don’t get to choose what changes. Something good will come from change and something will be sacrificed. Change does not automatically mean better, it means different. The positive side of change is if a situation feels stagnate and painful the possibility of something new is mostly positive. I made the decision about my job. I spent a lot of money and ended up with different problems because of the change. But when I look back at it I am glad I made the change. I feel better and more alive dealing with the latter rather than the former.

The Sacrifice of Change

You only let go of comfort when you have no other option.
Every situation has elements you want to change. But most do not pursue change. Why? Because those are part of your overall experience. They are a necessary evil in the trade off of the things you do like.
One of the areas people think about changing is their work situation. Most jobs are redundant and feel stagnate after only a couple of months. Few of us like waking up early and going to work every day but we continue to do it. That is because the trade off is a paycheck deposited in your bank account on Friday afternoon. The paycheck allows you to go out with friends, afford your house, groceries, car, phone, etc. You could change the fact that you have to go to work but you would subsequently change the fact that you receive a paycheck and many of the pillars of your life would be in jeopardy as a result.
If losing your paycheck is a change you don’t want to make you also won’t change going to work each day. Only if work becomes unbearable would you be willing to sacrifice something as valuable as your paycheck.

Change is hard

When I was younger I chewed tobacco. There were two times that I really craved tobacco. The first was after a meal. I would finish a meal and crave putting a big old dip in my lip and let the nicotine wash over me. The second was when I went for long drives. For two years when those moments arose I felt like it was incomplete like I was broken because I didn’t finish my routine my actions. I had to rewire my brain to quit a bad habit. I spit sunflower seeds, I drank coffee, I used tea leaves.

The addiction to chewing tobacco was hard to break but I knew I had to do it. If I didn’t stop chewing tobacco I would lose my teeth, get a painful cancer and most likely die. It was difficult to stop but I knew I had no other option. The fear of disfigurement, pain and death compelled me to sacrifice the enjoyment of routine and chemical pleasure of nicotine and quit chewing tobacco once and for all.

Not all decisions to change are so easy or the stakes so cut and dry. 15 years after I quit chewing tobacco I faced a situation in my career. I was making the most money I ever made, had a company car and credit card. I was making a good six figure salary and spending very little of it.

But I was miserable.

Depression and anxiety ate at me constantly. I was not living I was turning my stomach to knots, constantly thinking about how I wish I would die in a car accident so I no longer had to feel pain.

I knew I needed to change but I was not sure how.