Ugh. My finances are a mess. It is going to take me a long time to get out of this.

I realize with the WIL I am at the stage in our relationship where I am trying to possess her. The best thing I can do to show I love her is to let her go.

Sundays are depressing. I was writing this morning and then thought about the goodbye to Utah so I looked that up and it really bummed me out. I feel like I have written so much and it is just jumbled thoughts like these.

In theee weeks I am moving to Phoenix. We have lived in Southern California, ornate county, Dana point for 9 years. I will miss it.

Leaving California feels different. When we left utah 9 years ago it ripped my soul apart. We put down roots in utah, the greatest experiences of my life, the deepest relationships were in utah. Even leaving California now and moving to Arizona I put it in context of what it means to have another degree of separation from utah.

I think I am in a better place. I am feeling a little more Phoenix than Orange County right now. I have nothing bad to say about Dana Point. but even have 9 years it feels like we barely just got here. That I have been more or less on vacation for nine years. Hell we have been in a month to month rental agreement for the vast majority of time.

I remember writing a goodbye letter to utah when we sold our house. I wonder if I can find it.? I never shared it with anyone. I remember sitting in our house in centerville alone before it sold, typing the letter and bawling my eyes out. Utah felt like an unrequited love. That the state could never love me as much as I loved it. California feels like a casual relationship that has run its course and now we are saying thanks for the good times and wishing each other well.

Phoenix and Arizona feel like a blank canvass. I have no conceptions of either. I have flown through the airport, visited friends there, worked in different parts of Arizona and spent time in the Navajo nation as part of seminary. Phoenix is the great wide open. Tom petty.

The device provides distraction but from what? Is is The Void of emptiness that rests just beyond or is it distraction from work, productivity and connection? If I believe I am distracting myself from emptiness I accept and celebrate my activities. Going for a walk, reading a book, listening to music. I rate the value of my distractions. Skimming news headlines, checking social media, watching movies all day. Those are not valuable distractions in some cosmic rating.

I think in books. My father let me know what he valued or thought by information he shared or a book he recommended. My dad didn’t have a lot of money or care to spend it but he always said he would buy us any book we wanted.

I am much more patient with my daughter, let and mother. Since I have chosen not to go to the device constantly I have more bandwidth for interaction. I have found I like being with people and animals. I like being in the presence of others. Engaged conversation drains me. I detest talking on the phone. I have gotten out of the habit of texting. But just being with someone. Not silent as a rule but feeing no need to talk unless having something to say.

I enjoy living in cities, working out, being with a lot of people. I like to be around people. Hearing conversations. Watching life. I truly love people but I feel weird like I am damaged because I just want to be near them not talking with them.

I do have people I like to talk to but they are very limited.

It truly is physically draining to talk with people. But to make money, to be of value I need to make things happen, initiate change, network and connect. That is how I acted. A part of me craves that. Funny I am saying all this. In three weeks I am going to be the boss of an organization!

I liked being a chaplain because it was actually a lot of alone time mixed with seeing patients and families.

Sales was too much for me because I always needed to be on and could not achieve the consistency of giving.

Operations are hard. Being where the buck stops is a lot of energy and it takes all my effort to focus and stay alert.

But I would be lying if I said my ego doesn’t crave the power and attention. I like being the final word.

Now that I am limiting my interaction with devices and distractions I realize how much time I wasted. my daughter is almost a teenager I realize how much time I spent dreaming and wishing I was known. I dreamed about how I could become famous, known, recognized, validated. But I just went to a distraction and continued to dream, not doing anything

I am going to take the job in Phoenix. I am going to accept the the duties. The budget my sales allows and I am going to build a stable life for me and those that depend on me. I chased and fought for bigger, better and more for a long time. I don’t have regrets. But I must move forward. Always forward. The spelunker, there is no back, go forward until I find my way

When I was younger I concentrated on the largest questions of my existence. What will I do for a living? Who will I love? Where will I live? How many children will I have? There was so much to see, places to go, people to meet, experiences to have. My mind could not contain all the curiosity.

By my mid thirties many of those questions had been answered. Many of the discoveries had been made. For the first time I recognized just beyond the surface a dark void of nothingness. It terrified me. Time was running out. I blamed my circumstances. I thought I got lazy. That I had trapped myself in a place and job.

I moved. I changed careers. I chased things that seemed important. Money, titles, possessions. But the void only grew. I became tired. Now I live with the void constantly. I barely distract myself with entertainment and vices. I am almost 49. I am learning to live with the void for the rest of my life

My mind is a whirlwind. The time has come to leave. To give notice on my house and move. The options are get the job and move to Arizona or not get the job and go back to Wyoming/Utah. I have fought against change or making a decision for three years. I am broke, tired and frustrated. I kicked the decision down the line month by month until now the decision is made for me. I have no money and no job prospects. My credit is shot.

Not getting the job would be a bitter defeat. Similar to when I applied for a Vice President job three years ago. The time I started to lose my edge.

With this situation there is fear and hope. I vacillated about leaving before. There are some benefits to leaving. I chose to stay because I believed it was best for my daughter. Now I do not have a say in the matter. Some decisions aren’t made until they are made for you.

There is no narrative. I lost my bearings. I don’t know what pressing on looks like. I don’t know what giving up/resetting looks like. moving to Phoenix is a reset but no guarantee it will happen and odds are it won’t end well. The only other reset possibilities are utah and/or chaplaincy. I worry I will never feel passion/love/joy or purpose again

Before falling asleep last night I read some magazine articles. When I woke up I laid in bed before getting up to go for a walk. Lying on my back I tried to recall what I read. I pictured the pages, the information, the feel of the magazine. I could recall two article headlines and three facts.

Interestingly on one level of my brain I can tell there is a complete image of the pages. A photographic memory if you will. I know it is is there. But I can’t retrieve the information. When I try to access the image to read from it like the magazine is in front of me the picture goes haywire or there are gaps I can’t focus on.

I have noticed since I started my experiment of limiting my interaction with the device my ability to retrieve information has improved. That is because I have the mnemonic of the visceral and tactile. I believe it is also because I am reading less. There are three books I am reading and some work material I have printed off. My mind is not as cluttered with information.

Also I am willfully looking to remember and recall. I have a purpose. When I was using the device the purpose was to distract me.

Last year I was gaining weight and losing muscle. I blamed it on aging. I figured I was losing muscle mass and my metabolism had slowed. While this is true in reality I had slipped into bad eating and exercise habits. I lost my edge. Slowly I have put together a better resistance training routine and my muscle tone has improved. I realize I need to eat less. I was eating more for entertainment.

I was lifting weights out of obligation. When I became more cognizant of building muscle my physique improved.

I was eating for entertainment. When I changed my eating schedule I realized I could still fill full and enjoy food without eating as much (that is a different post)

I was reading for distraction. When I became aware of the need to focus on retrieval my mind became sharper.

Yesterday I was slipping back into routine. The device is like a security blanket. When I was younger I sucked my thumb and had a blanket. When I felt stressed I was comforted by my thumb and blanket. THe phone hits the same neuro receptors as the blanket. When I was feeling stressed about the job interview I wanted to plop down and lose myself in the comfort it provides.

I want to just bury my face in my device this morning and time out. Read stupid news stories, watch videos, be completely devoid of thought.

I had some rough dreams last night. A sad one about the WIL and one about being fired.

I feel guilty if I am not being productive every second. I didn’t choose this! I would still be working if I had the choice