Shame

I have spent so much energy trying to overcome shame.

Shame about changing jobs so often. Shame about drinking and hiding hangovers. Shame about fucking. Being stupid. Shame about slacking off instead of working hard.

Shame about being an introvert. Shame about wanting to spend time alone instead of with people. Then feeling guilt because I don’t spend time with people.

I want love, acceptance but I don’t know how to receive it. I don’t know how to seek it. I spend my time alone imagining my times with other people.

I put up this huge facade to make people think I am better than I am. That I am a flawed simple man but if I can erect some edifice I can keep my illusion and sanity.

Even shame about wanting to be a rock star in high school and collage. I have lived so deep in my head. It feels liberating to open the doors and let things I stuff come out into the open. It also feels scary. There is a reason I hid all this shit. I didn’t want people to know because I was sure they would think less of me. In my mind right now I am inventorying everyone I know and imagining their reaction. Gulp

Shame about trying to start my own business and become a career coach. That i sold one copy of my book and gave away two more.

I never wanted to be like everyone else. I didn’t want to pander to be liked but I still wanted to be liked