Weekends

The weekends are very bad. I get restless. With nothing to do I usually resort to drinking. Drinking used to open up a world of possibility. Now it just is a distraction to kill a few hours. When I drink my guard starts to come down. I want to connect with someone, flirt or more. Sex itself is not necessarily the only outcome. Often it is not. But talking with someone about sex is alluring. It creates a Chenicak rush

This weekend there is football. I usually have some drinks so I assume I will again.

I was thinking I would be tempted to reach out to people but I think I am more inclined to want to date someone. I am a secretive person. I hide what I am doing all the time. I’m even if it isn’t lurid. Not hiding shit is starting to feel liberating. I spent so much time loving the wife of someone else. We were each other’s secrets. That was powerful but after a while it became a burden not a blessing.

When you are bored in your marriage and wanting something new discovering somebody, being validated is intoxicating. it was this beautiful gift only her and I shared. But toward the end I became more frustrated we couldn’t share it. Then her his I and found out and she disappeared.

I go over my thoughts about that all the time. Is she indifferent and I didn’t mean much to her? Is she heartbroken like I am? Is she mad thinking I got away with no consequence while she is bearing the burden herself?

When I think she is heartbroken my resolve is strong to wait no matter how long. Same with if she is mad. But when I imagine her forgetting me or indifferent to what we were I collapse inside.

I won’t reach out to someone tonight, tomorrow or this weekend. Simply because I don’t want to be secretive any more. And I don’t want shallow or superficial. If I am going to have sex with someone again it is going to be because I have feelings for them and I want to express them. I would date someone.

That means actually getting a divorce and releasing my wife and letting go of the WIL.