measurement of success for experiment to limit interaction with device (smartphone) beginning of day 3
area 1, Engagement: hard to tell if there is improvement because it was going to be measured at a job, which I don’t have. The interview went well yesterday. I printed off a file and reviewed that before the meeting and was able to articulate my standpoint
area 2, retention: This area appears to have improved. Interacting with the device makes me passive curious. An inquiry comes to mind, I look up the answer. The goal was to improve my ability to interact and articulate thoughts I had formed. Using the interview as a reference point the experiment went well. Using hand written notes and printed pages made me able to have a conversation on a deeper level than previous interactions. Again this is subjective and not in a controlled environment so I can only report how I feel the situation is going.
area 3, happiness: Yesterday was a rough day. I am encountering feelings of being unmoored. The concept of myself, passion for my narrative, values, my purpose. All of these things feel adrift. I am now more sure than ever I need to leave Southern California. I don’t know if the feelings stem from the experience of the last decade of life, the device situation, the pandemic,my age, cognitive deterioration. (Side note, one thing I have noticed using my computer for the posts is my reliance on spelling auto-correct has caused my ability to spell to deteriorate)
Not using the device makes me overthink. I spend a lot of time examining my life and purpose. Without distractions I am doing it more. This has made me anxious.
My writing and capturing thoughts have diminished. I am aware of every time I engage the device. I am trying to limit my interactions. Engaging the device and opening the app is the best way to quickly capture my observations in the moment. There must be a compromise. I need to interact with the device to be accurate. I used a pen and pad yesterday but it has been physically cumbersome. Using the pad is time consuming. Honesty, especially about my personal relationships, is compromised using the pad and pen.
I am dependent on these posts. This is how I communicate. I constantly wrestle with going back and changing past posts. The drive to control the narrative is overwhelming. I want to shave off, eradicate what I consider embarrassing.
Hiding, manipulating, silence are my defenses. They are my personality and my behavior. The most passionate part of myself is a woman who instead of marrying and celebrating I kept hidden and secret for years. Family and friends reach out to visit or talk and I ignore them. By not engaging I control the situation. I also live alone inside my head.
mikemeyer949 