I cleaned the patio this morning. I don’t have a lot of free Saturdays so I am kind od bored. I don’t know what to do. The only thing I can think to do is write in this blog. Seems to be the theme of the day

I am literally putting this post in because I have nothing to do. Let’s see. I wake up usually around 4:30am and go for a walk. That is one thing that defines me. I get home after an hour and do about ten minutes of resistance training or weight training while watching the weather. Then I have a protein bar, drink coffee and check the news. my mom is staying with me the last two months so around six thirty I go for another walk with her. Before two weeks ago I showered and got ready then went to work around 8.

Now I hang around and go slower. About 9 I leave and start looking for jobs. I need to pursue owning a hospice and setting up an llc.

Income home to eat lunch then go back out and check more. I read articles and watch YouTube videos. I get sick of staring at my phone. This week I started typing this blog so I pull up the word press app and can be creating immediately. That makes it more fun and easier to get thoughts down. I had to start typing with my thumbs which is a change for me but allows me to type faster then pecking with my right index finger.

The. Two o’clock comes around and it is temptation time. Sex food alcohol. Or sit and use will power to avoid them until it is a respectable hour to go to bed.

The only time this seems interesting is when I talk about sex.

When I think about sex, what I think about, fantasize about it what I have done/ might do I use words like embarrassment, shame, guilt. Why is that? Why do I have negative feelings.

It seems like there is an ideal I strive to be but am not. So when I inevitably fail to be a caricature of a loyal monogamous husband I flog my history.

The fact is the facade blew up years ago. I consider my wife just a friend.

I believe she uses our daughter as a way to keep me in line. She knows I am not faithful to her but I will choose my daughter because I am a dad first. So if I am spending every weekend with her I can’t be with another woman.

Around two pm I start thinking about the end of the day. Usually that means what fast food am I going to eat, what can’t and desserts will I have. Will I get drunk? Many years ago it meant video games and chewing tobacco. I am a disciplined person in the morning ad during the day. But when I feel things are winding down I slip. I can be good but I am antsy and using stubborn will power. Many years ago when I quit chewing tobacco I adjusted my schedule. I started going to bed at 8pm and getting up at 3am. I still get up around 4:30am now to get my walk/cardio in and work out, drink coffee, catch up on news.

T this point to avoid eating bad and drinking too much I might have to go to bed at 6pm. Get up at 2am. I am kidding. I could get up before four but it feels weird. For a little while I used to get up at 1:30 am. I found myself getting up to use the bathroom and couldn’t fall back asleep. Instead of lying in bed thinking I took my dog for a walk, worked out in the apartment complex gym, wrote for a while then went back to bed at 4:30 and slept until 8. It was kind of nice. Best of both worlds, getting up early and being productive, getting my workout in and getting to sleep in.

My mind is clearer since I found an outlet for my thoughts and activities.

Before I started blogging and putting everything in here my feelings and actions fell into a black hole. What was the meaning or purpose?

Just the act of transcribing my inner thoughts into a blog gives more purpose. There is a way that they can be on record for discovery. You wouldn’t believe how freeing that feels. Since I started writing my mind is working. I am seeing opportunities instead of obstacles. Purpose not mundane. I am alive again and excited about the future.

I think about contacting the WIL every single day. And I could do it. I want to do it. The thing is I don’t want to hide my love for her or sneak around. If I sneak to contact her that gives other people power. I am not sneaking around to see her ever again. I want her completely or not at all. She has chosen to be with another person and o respect that. She has to do what she has to do for her kids and family. I have to be patient, have faith and take risk. I would rather luv with hope of being with her in any way that do anything else.

There are three ways I think she feels. Mad sad and indifferent. If she is mad at me I can accept that. If she is sad like I am I can wait for ever. Her being indifferent scares me. Terrorizes me.

I just came out from under a nasty hangover. I drank too much beer last night and didn’t eat enough before hand.

I realize I need to own my own business. I have outgrown being an employee. It is a lesson I am still trying to learn and make the transition since I was 45.

I have to bite the bullet and buy a hospice. I have no internet kissing someone’s ass and being an errand boy. Until I step up and do it I will always feel out of place and burn through jobs

Living in Southern California is a privilege not a right. I can be replaced at any time. I think about nfl players when I say that. You do what you need to survive. I am having the first inkling of a breakthrough about job keeping not just getting.

I watched a video on Florence Italy this evening. All I could think about was the WIL. Creating art and statues for her. She is beauty and perfection. I do everything for her. If she has truly become indifferent to me my very essence will burn to ash

I have to shit out any belief she doesn’t care about me or I will die

I applied for three more jobs today. Total of ten.

Still three contacts. Outside chance something comes from yesterday’s call but not banking on it. The other two conversations went cold and the hand off referral is barren.

Seems like there is more activity and openings out there. Since most want a clinical manager I expanded back into sales as well