I can hang on to people, think about going back to an old job. Go back to a place. I can piece everything together again. The one thing I can’t replicate is time. All those things. The chaplain, Ogden, friends lovers for on a beautiful pocket of time. Time is fleeting and it holds those experiences and once it dissipates and the moment ends the only thing left to do is fill another pocket with other experiences

They found my missing money that was supposed to be used for stock purchase at my orevious place of employment. That is good. I should get my severance today or tomorrow. I am dialing on the job search. More seem to become available. I am looking for sales as well. I am hungry. Now that I have got some money in place if I can land a position by February and increase my salary it has been a good trans.

There is a moment when I appreciate the freedom of not working and sick of jumping back in but then there is a time I am on the hunt and nothing can stop me. I will land a job with more pay. Next I need to work on my retention skills.

I really need to consider just biting the financial bullet and going back to chaplaincy. I day dream a lot. I don’t know if it is fair to my mental health or prospective employers to get jobs that want 24/7 accountability.

It is hard to get excited about jobs when I have failed 8 times. Did I fail? I keep beating myself up but maybe my work history is the same thing as with sex history. Is it really lurid? Am I really a fucking deviant? I have worked in some bad assignments. Crazy people. Most places I washed out are notorious for high turnover. I am not a bad person but fuck I get into some piss poor work situations

I am good at getting jobs but once the heat is on to keep a job I just roll over. Why don’t I work as hard to stay employed as I do to get a job? If you tell me a hundred people are applying for a job it is game on. I will rise to the top and win. If you tell me I am not doing a good job or someone wants my job ore I need to show something I shrivel up and leave.

I get so anxious. Deep breath. Just stop thinking and relax.

I told the guy I was available to start first of the month. I really should be more worried and concerned about money I suppose. Or work. I want to work but when I think about it I seldom get excited

My sexual history always seems despicable in my mind. Like I am a deviant. It is the dark side of the moon. it is there but never really discussed or seen. Nobody, even myself, knows the full details of it. The results of my actions and my behaviors surface from time to time to give a glimpse of what I did or am doing but the full story is seldom told

My mother and father gave me the advice to marry for friendship not sex. That sexual attraction would ease. That you need to have more in common

sexual attraction had already eased by the time we were married. At first it was good because it was new. Honestly in my opinion it never was bad. I don’t know how it stacks up to other married couples

We met at a wedding in Santa Barbara. The bride was my friend in high school in wyoming. She then moved to California and became friends with my wife. I was on internship in paradise pretty far away but my best friend in high school flew to San Francisco so I picked him up and drive down. I didn’t plan on going to the ceremony. We left on Thursday and got in that night. Even though I knew the bride I wasn’t invited. I went just to hang out with my friend. Turns out, unbeknown to Travis the wedding was actually Friday not Saturday. I decided to attend the ceremony. Hungover and broke I spent twenty dollars at a discount clothing store to bu wrinkled pants and a halfway decent shirt. I met my wife at the open bar. We talked. Later at the reception when the music started I looked for her to ask her to dance. I saw her as she was walking toward me and beat me to the question. We danced and talked all night. She stayed in our hotel room. We fooled around a little bit didn’t fully have sex. I was a Lutheran minister intern and she was a semi good catholic girl. We maintained a long distance relationship the rest of my internship. Mostly her flying from Burbank to Sacramento and me picking her up and driving back to a paradise. When I finished my internship we talked about marriage. We thought about living in Portland Oregon Los Angeles area. Finally we talked about staying in wyoming. I got my job and she moved out. Our engagement was rocky. We had been apart the whole duration of our relationship. Now we live together. We postponed the wedding. She almost moved back to California. Eventually we decided we loved each other and got married am more than a year after we were engaged