I can barely be bothered to act like I care about hospice and I don’t want to work hard and have a ton of responsibility. I can do it but it is unnatural. Like the last job. I worked nonstop for two months but when it slowed down I was more than happy to step back.

Not sure I mentioned a thought from earlier that one reason I don’t want to date to is because of Hope seeing or being with the WIL one last time. All I want to do is die in her arms

I can do hospice operations and sales. I know enough to sell myself as an expert. The problem is I don’t have a passion for them. Not even enough apparently to do the bare minimum to avoid getting fired or seen as useless. John prine said he would rather make a sandwich than write a song. I can relate

I need a new me anyway. This life isn’t serving me. Funny how I am frustrated and depressed. Broke and scared. Yet afraid to lose something.

I don’t have any deep meaningful relationships but I am scared to lose somebody. Who I don’t know…

What do I feel guilty or shame about? Sex?Being a shitty employee? Being with the WIL?

Ugh. I feel this is just devolved into a lurid salacious sex confessional

I feel dirty and stupid constantly. At the same time i have felt depressed so upsetting people might be a good thing. If you don’t want to be a part of my life because of who I am or what I did better to move on than try to stay involved. Hell, I don’t really have any close friends or family any way

The call with the hospice guy went well. Acquiring hospices. Ned operators.

I am so used to operating with my secrets tucked far away. I get nervous realizing what I have done. I feel exposed. Compromised. Vulnerable. I have lost respect from others. I lost respect for myself.

Are they sins? Shame? Embarrassment? I am crushing myself.

If I am not prodded I spend all my time alone doing nothing. I truly am sloth.

I don’t have any hobbies. I like to go for walks. Now for the first time I am being more disciplined about writing but that has come and gone from time to time. Other than that, reading?

I don’t have much passion or interest in tinkering, equipment, gadgets. I envy people that do like those things.

I have spent so much energy trying to overcome shame.

Shame about changing jobs so often. Shame about drinking and hiding hangovers. Shame about fucking. Being stupid. Shame about slacking off instead of working hard.

Shame about being an introvert. Shame about wanting to spend time alone instead of with people. Then feeling guilt because I don’t spend time with people.

I want love, acceptance but I don’t know how to receive it. I don’t know how to seek it. I spend my time alone imagining my times with other people.

I put up this huge facade to make people think I am better than I am. That I am a flawed simple man but if I can erect some edifice I can keep my illusion and sanity.

Even shame about wanting to be a rock star in high school and collage. I have lived so deep in my head. It feels liberating to open the doors and let things I stuff come out into the open. It also feels scary. There is a reason I hid all this shit. I didn’t want people to know because I was sure they would think less of me. In my mind right now I am inventorying everyone I know and imagining their reaction. Gulp

Shame about trying to start my own business and become a career coach. That i sold one copy of my book and gave away two more.

I never wanted to be like everyone else. I didn’t want to pander to be liked but I still wanted to be liked

From the age of thirty to 36 I lived what felt like the greatest time of my life.

I had moved to California to pursue acting, then wiring army and teaching before coming full circle and choosing to be a chaplain again.

I took a job in Ogden utah. It felt like coming hone but still different. I dove into the job and relished the experience. But all things come to an end. When it ended it broke me because no job could ever come close to it.

That is the problem now. With a job I think about being the hospice chaplain and I feel I am dishonoring a sacred time if I engage. It isn’t even conscious. I just feel all weird and stay away from relationships and people and work

That goes back to intimacy and the woman I love. When I think about dating I get all twisted emotionally and end up feeling sad.

That keeps me just skimming on the surface of friendships, commitments and devotion.