By the time I took the executive director job I had been in the field or not working in an office over 9 years. I was miserable. I was a bird in a cage. I was responsible for others when I only wanted to be responsible for myself. I needed to get out of utah to raise my daughter. I started applying for a jobs a week after getting the job. I purposely was using it as a springboard to get a better job out of state.

I applied for jobs as far away as Alabama when a recruiter called and discussed a position on Orange County California

When I was a hospice chaplain I had freedom. I drove all over northern utah. I saw the backroads and neighbor hoods

It was interesting for about six months then redundant and monotonous.

The Protestant lectionary follows a three year cycle. For a new minister the first time through the lectionary is interesting. Choosing from new ok’d epistles or psalm

My first job post chaplain was doing marketing for the same company. It is by far the largest integrated health system in utah so there wasn’t really a lot of sales. It was a diplomatic position.

My colleagues were all young 30’s return mormon missionaries except for one female clinical nurse liaison that quit shortly after I arrived.

My former supervisor left to join a hospice company and I decided to follow her. This was a true sales position. Quotas bonuses sink or swim. I came at the right time and was graciously given all the top producing accounts as my own. That is a secret with sales. There seldom is a true alchemical rain maker in sales. If you are expected to cold call your way to glory you are more likely to wash out than succeed.

Because I had producing accounts and a good staff that basically generated the business I was seen as a success. I parlayed that into being an executive director and moving to operations because sales suck

The person would come in and be showered and changed. Then we sat in a room and interviewed them. Me, the charge nurse the psychiatrist and psychologist and a security person of available. The doctors and nurse would talk about needs while they were at the hospital and records, interviews, background they would like me to get.

I then started to put together an assessment of the person

I have some severance and money set aside but it won’t go far. Not many jobs that will pay what my lifestyle is. I really need to downgrade into what my situation warrants. From June of 2017 until September of 2020 I was unemployed or underemployed. It fucked my finances

I will take a break and look for a job. The job boards are like an online dating service. Because I am superficial I am attracted to superficial and shitty jobs. I interact with people in a shitty superficial way and get fired or leave rather than feel I need to work hard

I am searching for my 14th job in the last 12 years.

Odds are it will be a job I don’t particularly have a passion for and will only be at for 3 to 12 months.

They are mostly sales job so it is a two way street. Staying longer is the exception not the rule. But I digress.

I write this because I have the free time and try to make sense of my choices. Also to maybe try and find a path forward. Make a friend

I need a friend. A human connection and I don’t know how to relate with people.

Is this a confession, a clearing of conscious

Or trying to make sense of a choice I made

To find a new path or accept the one I am on

To connect with you the reader in some way

To validate my choices

To make writing my new path. I tried that. I am superficial. If I try to be engaging I end up being boring.

Out of all them the most resonance cones from being friends with you. Faceless nameless person passively engaging in these words yet connecting in some way

The thing I was good at I left. Why? Did I outgrow it? Did I get bored. Was I heartbroken? Did I crave money adventure?

Was it because my dad died?

I had an affair. I fell in love with a woman other than my wife. When it ended nothing felt beautiful any more

I was preaching and got bored, lost my train of thought. A couple times through the lectionary and nothing felt exciting

I became a parent. 2008 money was tight. I was worried about losing my house. My wife lost her job

My ego. I was so sure I could get rich, amass titles and possessions. I got my mba and wanted to test myself. See what I could do