There is a lot of pressure in a sales career. No matter what you provide as far as numbers you are expected to do more.

“How can we improve our numbers, gain more market share. How can we get bigger, make more money, beat the competition?”

I came into sales after eleven years working as a chaplain. When I was a chaplain I wanted to be with people in a safe and welcoming spiritual environment. I sought to discover their journey, thoughts and experiences. Meet them where they were, find common ground and share our strengths.

Sales is about making people feel a need or a want and then filling that need with your product or service. It was the exact opposite of how I interacted with people or the world. I was young and brash. I wanted to test myself. See how many titles I could amass. Make the most money. Buy luxury goods. I do not regret my sales career. But I am tired. I bless it and release it and move on to the next phase of my life.

I started working in word documents. I am using the structure of Henri J.M. Nouwen’s book Here and Now, Living in the Spirit.

He has 12 sections with a average of 7 250-300 word essays in each section. I find using his style gives me a sense of authority to speak to others.

I also feel comfortable attaching the term “Secular Spiritual” to what I am and what I do.

Secular spirituality is the adherence to a spiritual philosophy without adherence to a religion. Secular spirituality emphasizes the personal growth and inner peace of the individual, rather than a relationship with the divine. Secular spirituality is made up of the search for meaning outside of a religious institution; it considers one’s relationship with the self, others, nature, and whatever else one considers to be the ultimate.^[1] Often, the goal of secular spirituality is living happily and/or helping others.^[2]

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Secular_spirituality

I am being too literal with the device restrictions. If I am using it to write or communicate then it is acceptable

My recall seems to have improved. I call the device the black hole now. It is just a slab of glass, metal and black plastic. Now I read books and write in a physical journal. My mind can much more easily remember what I read and saw because every book is different. Different story, different pages, different feel I. My hands, different SMS. Different stains, wear and tear, reading level etc

I am curious to see how the interviews go. I feel more eager to talk with people and share who I am.

Interesting experience… I talk out loud more and sing more since I stopped staring into the black hole so much. Just before noon yesterday I began reciting my life history out loud. I quickly went over, born in South Dakota, grew up in wyoming, went to collage in Nebraska and seminary in California before returning home for my first job, moving back to California briefly then to utah for the job I loved. That part of the telling covered the first three fourths of my life and went by breezily.

Then I started talking about the last nine years. And the last nine jobs. And it drained me. It was exhausting to talk about. To relive and examine.

I am exhausted. And what I have noticed especially since 2014 is a change in how I relate to my experience. My experience has become something I have to massage and change to try and please an audience. Up until coming to Southern California nine years ago my past was something I was proud of and lived to share. Then it became something I had to, I won’t say lie about, but varnish the truth.

So many secrets, so many lies. I forgot who I am. And even the angle I take with one job interview is different than what I take with others. Having been a hiring manager I know what needs to be said and how. I want to believe forthright is the key but really it is being what they want you to be.

Case in point. I was honest with the first couple recruiters and jobs about my most recent job. But the moment I said I got laid off they shut down and disappeared. So for this current job in Phoenix I said I needed to leave because they don’t have benefits. Which is true. Another job I said they wanted me to move to Texas. They are moving the company to Texas and moving positions there but my position was eliminated. There is no lie but a lot better angle grounded in reality that would not trip up or raise red flags. It probably is unethical but so is going broke

My mom saw my emails and messages about job interviews. I felt very upset my secret was out. She didn’t say anything because she wouldn’t call me out on any secret but I was upset

My mom is staying with me. It is interesting to live with her again. She is independent but has some falls and hurt both her shoulders. She moved in shortly after my daughter and wife moved out. My mom is unobtrusive to a fault

I am passive at work. In every job there is a time when you have to stand your ground. I am passive to a fault. I avoid confrontation. When I was a chaplain that was a strength. As a leader it is a weakness.

I don’t want to be an executive director. I want to write books and speak publicly.

A job in Oregon is showing some interest. I have three interviews in the next theee days with the Phoenix people. It is moving quickly. Feels like a good fit. A large coma pu with benefits. I really liked talking with the woman who is hiring and would be my manager. I am interviewing with HR, compliance and my would be managers boss Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. If I am reading the situation correctly the hiring manager wants to hire me and these are just crossing t’s interviews.

“Sometimes its better to lie, than to say all the things I got on my mind…”

-Benny Blanco

There is an undercurrent of another life just below the surface. The reasons are complex. The simple answers are guilt, keeping the peace, embarrassment, shame. Fear of failure.

Eventually the feeling the real person is trapped inside. The outward shell becomes revolting and is rejected.

With the WIL the secret was empowering. As time passed it became frustrating. Now I don’t want to talk with her unless everyone knows I love her and would be her husband if she needed/wanted

Writing these posts. I keep them hidden. I am baring details about me I haven’t revealed to many people.

Growing up I found empowerment dreaming of being a professional musician, a rock star. But no one, even my closest friends would have known all through college and seminary I believed fervently I was going to achieve that goal. They would have told you that dream died when I left Wyoming at age 18 to go to college.

measurement of success for experiment to limit interaction with device (smartphone) beginning of day 3

area 1, Engagement: hard to tell if there is improvement because it was going to be measured at a job, which I don’t have. The interview went well yesterday. I printed off a file and reviewed that before the meeting and was able to articulate my standpoint

area 2, retention: This area appears to have improved. Interacting with the device makes me passive curious. An inquiry comes to mind, I look up the answer. The goal was to improve my ability to interact and articulate thoughts I had formed. Using the interview as a reference point the experiment went well. Using hand written notes and printed pages made me able to have a conversation on a deeper level than previous interactions. Again this is subjective and not in a controlled environment so I can only report how I feel the situation is going.

area 3, happiness: Yesterday was a rough day. I am encountering feelings of being unmoored. The concept of myself, passion for my narrative, values, my purpose. All of these things feel adrift. I am now more sure than ever I need to leave Southern California. I don’t know if the feelings stem from the experience of the last decade of life, the device situation, the pandemic,my age, cognitive deterioration. (Side note, one thing I have noticed using my computer for the posts is my reliance on spelling auto-correct has caused my ability to spell to deteriorate)

Not using the device makes me overthink. I spend a lot of time examining my life and purpose. Without distractions I am doing it more. This has made me anxious.

My writing and capturing thoughts have diminished. I am aware of every time I engage the device. I am trying to limit my interactions. Engaging the device and opening the app is the best way to quickly capture my observations in the moment. There must be a compromise. I need to interact with the device to be accurate. I used a pen and pad yesterday but it has been physically cumbersome. Using the pad is time consuming. Honesty, especially about my personal relationships, is compromised using the pad and pen.

I am dependent on these posts. This is how I communicate. I constantly wrestle with going back and changing past posts. The drive to control the narrative is overwhelming. I want to shave off, eradicate what I consider embarrassing.

Hiding, manipulating, silence are my defenses. They are my personality and my behavior. The most passionate part of myself is a woman who instead of marrying and celebrating I kept hidden and secret for years. Family and friends reach out to visit or talk and I ignore them. By not engaging I control the situation. I also live alone inside my head.

I was a chaplain for almost 11 years. Then the next four jobs were change and growth. It was three months into the fourth job that a new manager chased me off. The end of that job and the next eight were all about survival. Fighting to stay in Southern California. They had paychecks and paychecks paid the bills.

This is the first interview I am going into completely numb. The job is in Phoenix. I will pack up and leave Southern California if I get it.

Parts of me don’t want to leave but it is for the best. I am exhausted. I have lost passion for the narrative. I need to start over. If not Phoenix then someplace else.

Leaving is always hard but it is a serious situation. I am very lost. I am scared for my sanity if I stay

On my way to interview at 4pm. Today has been weird. Not sure avoiding the distraction of the device has been helpful.

If I am going to work a job I want to go back and be a hospice chaplain. that is the best job I ever had. But going back means closing the door on hope of a better tomorrow. Closing the door on getting out of debt. I have outgrown the system I have done for the past nine years.

1. apply for a job
2. interview for a job
3. get a job
4. not really invest in keeping the job
5. repeat every 3 to 12 months

It is a two way street. These are shitty user high turnover jobs. It is just an exhausting way to make a living. I am in debt, I am bored and I lack any overarching theme of value

The premise of my experiment is becoming clearer.

Premise: The repetitive act of picking up a device, holding it in my hand and staring at it has caused my sense of happiness to diminish. The act has caused my ability to retain information to diminish. The repetitive act has caused my ability to engage in money making activities (work) has diminished.

When I receive the vast majority of my information in a constantly repetitive fashion I do not have other tactile and visceral markers to recall that information. Lacking these extra mnemonics my ability to retain is falters. I do not recall facts. I do not remember details. I remember sitting and staring at something in my hand.

Information and entertainment, distraction and titillation are easily accessible. I do not need to engage in relationships when I can readily find sex. I do not need to engage in friendships when I can watch videos. I do not need to engage in work because I can easily find another job. I flit on the service of life.

Extra thoughts:

Because I am limiting the act of repetitively engaging with the device I decided to start writing down things in an extra art pad/journal my daughter had in her room. This will slow down my ability to capture thoughts because I can’t instantly do it on the device. I have to physically write things down and then sit at the computer and translate them into a post.

But I can collect my thoughts a little more so my thoughts should have more cohesion.

Now that I writing physically and reading books I find I remember things better. I am not sure it is because the acts themselves allow for better retention or because they are new, therefore stimulating. Perhaps after a while writing in the pad and on the computer will become as redundant and interacting with the device?

I am writing this at 7:30am. There is no need personally or professionally to check my device before 8am.

I need to find professional fulfillment. I am exhausted with the job hopping. I am worried I will not be able to change my behavior in regards to work without changing my environment (moving)

Something I don’t interpret as pleasure occurs every Sunday evening. Consistently. The feeling all the promise life can hold doesn’t fill my cup.

I could do anything, go anywhere, be with anyone. But it wouldn’t be enough. Graham Greene talked about it in The Power and The Glory. It is the feeling of showing up at a party just after something amazing happened. there is a beautiful moment just beyond my ability to fully experience it.

Sunday I am hopeful the start of the new week will hold childlike bliss. Instead the week begins as all others have. Builds to the relief of the weekend. The weekend ends with the denouement of Sunday evening. The feelings of the week are cyclical. Why is every week the same but expect it to feel different?