When it comes to the WIL am I in love with her as a woman, the concept of who she is or could be? Or the memory of what we were?

I love her as a woman. However I can’t assume she still loves me. She hasn’t tried to reach out to me. Obviously there are reasons why. But it still destroys me.

The concept is a vague notion where I make her be whatever I desire. This was an attribute of our relationship. We didn’t fill in every detail. The unexamined parts never were fleshed out. She could exist in reality and fantasy. Do I love her so much because I could ultimately make her who I wanted?

When we were US, when we started together we talked all the time. We shared every thought, emotion and moment. It was intense. And not sustainable. I cherish that time and think about it always. Are my feelings the left over half life of a moment when a much younger man a d woman fell passionately in love?

I have been thinking about the WIL. She has been the center of my world for so long. Her loving me validated who I was.

We didn’t have the time to see each other or talk like we did in the past. For many years we communicated and met incessantly.

I don’t know how to frame experiences without the reassurance her love provides

Probably too much information but I threw away my sildenafil. So there is really no way to have sex without planning and a trip to the pharmacy

I am compelled to write these posts for selfish reasons. To have a sense of connection. A purpose for the things I have done. A confession? A way to have power over anything?

But something worth reading is about discovery. You are on a journey just like me. It is that twist where the selfish writing meets the needs of the selfish reader.

I have checked all the news sites. Read all my emails. Checked my texts. Applied for a job. It is 8am. I am bored. I voted for caucus candidates. I am writing this post because I don’t have anything to do.

I am ready to start over. I don’t know Phoenix. I have been there a couple times. Been to the airport even more. Seems like a nice place. I really don’t have an opinion about it one way or the other.

I can go to Phoenix and start over. I am exhausted. The over arching experience for me in Orange County has been a never ending carnival ride. Nine jobs in nine years. NINE!!! It is so absurd. I am looking for my tenth!

I have my theories. My personality traits, the abundance of talent in the market. I have been in both sides of the hiring desk. When you post a job in Southern California you get a dozen extremely qualified applicants the first day. If a talented labor pool is a commodity there is no scarcity. It makes you feel as a hiring manager that you can easily replace people.

I am not making excuses. Whatever the case I need to get off this ride. I need to see life from a new perspective. If that is Phoenix so be it

I keep weighing the equation of whether I am too honest.

So many people will be offended and feel uncomfortable about stuff. Especially sex. I am offending my own sensibilities!

I keep thinking I need to tone it down. Not be honest. It makes me feel uncomfortable. Then I feel like I am offending people by saying it makes me uncomfortable. the only time I really think this blog is worth reading is when I am truly making myself realize truths.

I keep wanting to explain and justify my actions.

I try to be everything. A successful employee or business owner. A faithful and loving husband. An attentive father. A devoted dad. Someone who volunteers his time to organizations and causes.

But I slack off at work. I enjoy time alone more than with groups. I fell in love with an amazing woman. I get horny. I strive for an ideal. I gave it my best effort.

There deserves to be an honest record of the journey

I should probably get a divorce. We are separated. We haven’t been intimate in years.

I thought I was clever. I would stay married, have my girlfriend and sneak around and have hook ups.

Sneak around. I am so exhausted from sneaking. I made the promise to myself when I started writing this that I would not sneak around for sex or intimacy. If I am going to be intimate with someone it is because I have got to know them, am I. A committed relationship with them and sex and intimacy are a expression of love.

There are two barriers to that. One barrier is I am still married. I need to be honest and divorce my wife before I can be in a relationship with anyone.

The other barrier is I have given all my heart love and intimacy to the WIL. In the last year since I haven’t spoken to or seems the WIL I have talked with or been with four women to varying degrees. But there is no discovery. Everything from text messages to sex and benign conversations remind me what I lost and how much I miss her.

The WIL used to tell me that I ruined her. That she could never have sex or feel intimate with anyone else. I am a dog. I have had sex with other people. all it did was break my heart. She ruined me forever.

By the time I made it to 48 I was going to feel life was a mess. There are too many experiences to not be overwhelmed. I miss people that are no longer part of my life. I wonder about paths not taken. careers, places, relationships. There are no regrets. I don’t feel bad or that I made mistakes. I have hurt people. But in all my decisions I was doing the best I could in the situation.

The job in Phoenix contacted me. I have an interview set for Monday in Los Angeles with the regional Vice President.