When I moved to Southern California the first time I went to be an actor. After two months o considered myself a writer. Then I was going to join the army. Before long I was going to get my teaching certificate. This was after I had been a chaplain for four years in wyoming. And it all happened in the span of six months. After all that exploring I was walking on a path outside my apartment when I had the epiphany to be a chaplain again. I was enrolled in an education masters program that would take 15 months to complete with no guarantee of a job. Or I could look for work in which I already had a masters degree and four years of experience. It was such a powerful and beautiful moment of self discovery I remember the place it happened. I have made a pilgrimage often to walk the path and stand in the spot again.

Last night I had a dream I was on the path and walking toward the spot. It was ore dawn. Early. Dark. As I approached the spot something large was in my way. I thought it was an alligator. Then it raised ip and I realized it was a large cobra. It flared out it’s good to strike but was facing away from me. Then it turned. I started to back away when it struck. At that point I was jarred awake.

For my entire career I have been directly or indirectly involved in hospice care. Four years as a volunteer chaplain. Seven as a full time chaplain. Since I left working as a chaplain I have done hospice sales or operations more than seven of twelve years.

Hospice has given me money and purpose. It has also given me frustration.

No matter what evidence presented to the contrary I never doubt I was a great hospice chaplain. My self image is that of a confident assured care provider.

Contrarily no matter what I see myself as a subpar sales and operations provider. I do not have inner drive or passion for the work.

I love the concept of hospice and providing hospice care. I dislike sales in general and operations.

Yet I do not want to go back to being a hospice chaplain. That is a path that has already been covered.

I am at the point in life I realize it is a gamble. I hope that I will no longer have to do sales and operations. That I will find a third path that is as empowering as being a chaplain was all those years ago. But I might not find it. Life offers no guarantee.

It is 6:15pm. I have had a couple drinks of double rye. The point where I want to connect with people. There are a couple of texts I can send

Going forward is scary. I want to grow and evolve. I want to be engaged and excited. But there is only so much bandwidth. Every step forward is countered by moving away from things left in the past. I move forward or think about it and then I worry about what I will lose.

If I am honest I will lose people who liked me before they knew more facts about me. If I take a job in Phoenix I will have to leave California.

When my wife moved out I lost family. I miss spending everyday with my daughter but appreciate the perspective I get from having time away.

I see a parallel process with preaching. For like ten years I was eager to get in front of people and share my insights. Then at one point it no longer held interest.

Interviewing was a sort of performance art. But now that I have don’t it so often it no longer holds discovery for me.

I need to find my expression again

I don’t have patience like I did ten years ago when interviewing for jobs. I used to love the chase. The opportunity to dazzle people with my brilliance. If you wanted me to do a dozen interviews for a position I was happy to do it and excited to prove how great I was.

Now I have answers the questions so many times, seem the ugly backside of jobs ending and the thrill is not so great. I am bored and anxious. That comes through when I talk with people. It makes it harder to get a job.

I looked at buying a hospice again. I have the interview at 2pm today. Not much else going on.

I feel like I have exposed myself. I have limited myself. However I feel liberated from secrets too.

I wrote it but I feel uncomfortable reading it.

I feel I should explain a million things to my wife, the WIL, her husband. People I know, people I don’t know. My kids. My friends.

All this while I am trying to figure out life direction

I am writing this blog and making the posts public for anyone to see. I am not advertising it or promoting it but I am not hiding it.

Yesterday someone liked one of my blogposts. I wasn’t sure what to feel.

I am sharing what I consider my deepest feelings. I am sharing the dark part of me. At least dark like the dark side of the moon. The part no one ever sees.

On one hand want to be exposed and not hide anything. On the other I will feel uncomfortable with people knowing the things I never share with them.

On one hand I don’t want to alienate those that know the contrived me. On the other hand, by being honest I could meet more people that relate to me.

I really struggle not to use the words embarrassed and ashamed to describe the things I want to hide or not admit.

By assigning those words to my experience I categorize people that live a certain way and never tried to hide it as bad. If there is any guilt shame or embarrassment to be had it is because from my narrow standpoint I chose to view them that way. They are not empirically true labels.

I feel uncomfortable writing this one but feel I must. I mentioned earlier in the blogs about hooking up with women and guys. This makes me sound bisexual. I guess it centers around what sexuality is. Does it mean who you are willing to get naked with or does it involve emotional connection?

If it is simply a matter of willingness to be sexual then yes, that would make me bisexual. If it is a matter of emotional connection then I am heterosexual.

Being with guys felt weird at first. And that feeling made it even more alluring. Like my brain was short circuiting. As I did it more the less weird it felt and the less the payoff.

Guys are about immediate satisfaction. There is no emotions. Not even exchanging of names or phone gunners. No expectations to call or talk afterwards. It can be a moment and then the moment is done.

With women, no matter what there is a emotional connection. There is expectations both for me and from me. That made it harder to just hook up, be in the moment and move one.

I was a user and it was easier to use and be used with guys.

I won’t check my email or texts until 8am. To pass the time I read Henri Nouwen books. His work is very simple yet genuine.

When I was younger the meal our family shared was breakfast. And we would take five minutes before my brother and I went to school and my parents to work to Dona family devotion. We would take turns reading the daily devotion from a book called Daily Guideposts. This is Norm Vincent Peales outfit. So when I think of spirituality and even writing I think in terms of 365/366 entries. One for each day.

I like Nouwen. It is just comforting to read his work. Like a warm blanket for the mind. Usually when I am done I can’t even tell you what I read or what it was about. But I know how it makes me feel and it feels good.