The debate rages in my mind to make this blog private. I am sharing highly personal stuff.

I am not good at communicating with people. I am lax in reaching out to family, friends (even co workers and supervisors)

This behavior has caused me to delve inward. I have no outlet for connection. Ergo I look for it in stupid places like hook up sites. This journal has created a connection. A couple of people follow this now. I don’t know you and you don’t know me. But we are connected. That is such a welcome relief from the disappointing results of my past.

My personality may be introverted, I can’t change that. My initial remedy was flawed. That I can change.

The phone call went fine. Nothing too deep. The position doesn’t pay much and I would have to move to Phoenix. I applied for the position that one of the corporate recruiters mentioned two weeks ago.

I feel like there is a lot of opportunity in the universe right now. I have to be disciplined with my cash flow and make a choice based on fit. Money is important but another short term job would be detrimental in many ways.

I am not checking my emails texts or news yet. But it is my routine! I am excited to think about what I can do and look forward to at 5pm

Back to that theme. I have been in Southern California nine years. I started my tenth year the end of last week. I am looking for my tenth job in that span of time. I lament things that are negative or that I am not. I look like a fool that can’t keep a job. I have no stability and jeopardize the place my daughter calls home. I chastise myself for the personality traits, thoughts and emotions that have led me to this perception I believe others have of me and the circumstances I have put those that rely on me in.

But I am resilient. I get back up every time I am knocked down. I figure it out.

I believe in myself and my abilities. Nothing scares me. There is not a situation that I haven’t seems from multiple angles.

I am intrigued by the possibility that my next position my have more responsibility, a better title and a larger income.

I might stay or I might move. I might travel to multiple sites. I thrive on the adventure and the unknown.

In the end I am what I am and I ain’t what I ain’t

The chorus to the song “Dear Abby” by John Prine goes:

(A different name for each) You have no complaint.

You are what you are and you ain’t what you ain’t.

So listen up buster and listen up good

Stop wishing for bad luck and knocking on wood.”

Like so many John Prine songs what sounds like a simple almost childish rhyme has layers of context.

Much of what Prine espouses in his lyrics in the Midwestern sensibility of anger, sadness and frustration stems from trying to control what you can’t control or change why can’t be changed.

Trying to become better or more evolved is a valuable endeavor. Focusing so much on what you are NOT is a painfully futile past time.

That song has been going through my head today. I woke up and realized how much my personal sense of image has changed since November. I was the boss. I was running a 10 million dollar a year business. Controlling all aspects. I felt strong and driven. Two months later I feel small and lost. My circumstances changed but I don’t need to change. I am just as much November Mike as I am today. I have been in a syrupy blue funk. Those places I have been interviewing with need me as much as I need them. I am the boss.

I usually check my email, texts and the newspapers after I have walked and exercised in the morning. I then check them again, and again, and again repeatedly during the day.

My days have a rhythm. Wake up early (3:42am this morning) go for an hour walk up the hill, do body weight or resistance training. Watch the news or late show monologues from the previous night then check my phone.

I go for another walk, head out, and start the job securing process. After lunch and a nap I start to fade at 2pm. Afternoons are hardest for me. I can’t th inn if anything to do except eat fast food, candy and desserts. If I don’t do that i drink alcohol and get drunk.

If I want to connect with people I don’t reach out to family or friends, I check out hook up sites.

Last night I went to bed at 6:30pm. I wasn’t hungry because I ate a big lunch. I had some desserts and candy and watched a show on Netflix. I am going to change my routine so my energy is more spaced out during the day.

The vp job hiring person accepted my LinkedIn request. I sent him a note saying I know the market and we should connect if he hasn’t made a decision yet.

I have a call in 15 minutes about the executive job in phoenix.

I have interviewed for four different VP level jobs higher than the one I am pursuing. This is my fourth executive job pursuit. I got two of the first three

I have done this before. I realize after 20 years I have forgotten a lot of what I have done or experienced. I treat the interviews like a nuisance rather than chance to shine. I need to slow down, be in the moment.

I have to admit what I truly am at this point in life.

A broke, job hopping, unfaithful, home wrecking perv

What do I truly want?

Regarding a job: A job to make money? A job I feel fulfilled in?

Place: Do I want to stay? Do I want to go?

Relationship: Do I want to stay married? Find a new love? Close off my heart and be thankful for what I have experienced?

“It is very hard to keep bringing all of our past under the light of gratitude. There are so many things about which we feel guilt and shame, so many things we simply wish had never happened.”

Page 109, Hear and Now, Henri J.M. Nouwen