By the time I was thirty I wanted more. I quit my job in Wyoming and moved with my wife to Los Angeles County. We moved again a year later to utah. I had another respectable job and still married. Even more, I loved my job. If things were good in my mid twenties they were great in my early thirties. I took a risk, shook things up and came out even better

I met the WIL. Even though it disrupted the ideal of faithful devotion to my spouse it was worth it. The feelings of love, completion compatibility filled me entirely

How could something that felt so perfect ever be wrong?

I became a father

I dreamed for more accomplishment.

I believed I was destined for greatness. Money, prestige, power

I quit my job as a chaplain. I started working in sales, then operation. I moved my family to California

I never again loved my job or felt fulfilled by my daily activities. I was chasing things outside internal resonance.

I love the weather in California. The sunrises and the sunsets. I love the memories I have with my daughter.

Otherwise it has kicked my ass. Nine jobs in nine years. Multiple periods of unemployment. Years of underemployment. $67,000 in debt.

Add on the WIL’s husband finding out about us.

My wife already knew. We had endured that fall from grace a while ago.

The WIL disappeared from my life entirely. I doubt i will ever see or hear from her again.

When he first found out the husband threatened to come out and make a scene. Ruin my life.

He had every right. He probably should have. He could have punched me. Hell he could have killed me. I think in his choice not to he hurt me more. She chose him, not me.

I want to be (or perceived to be?) a unquestioned charismatic leader that inspires observers. I want to be perceived as a person that gives purpose to those that work with and for me.

My actions provide value to as many people as possible and make the world better.

I want to be attractive to everyone. I want to be monogamous. I want to be fulfilled by one relationship.

Why do I long for that? Is that a generally strived for male ideal? It feels like the top rung of accomplishment. The apex. 100 on a scale of one to ten and what I and everyone else agrees is best.

Then my personal cosmic score is tallied in early development (was it my teens? Even third/fourth grade? Striving for school “popularity”?)

In landed somewhere in the average. I was decent looking, had some good attributes and talent. A decent work ethic.

I set out in the world. Got some education. Dated a few girls. Got a job. Got married. Started trying to raise a family. I maybe wasn’t rich or powerful but I was a decent small time example of the ideal.

I had a good relationship. Had a good education. A respected place in society.

I was contacts for an executive job I apply for last night in montana. But they wanted to talk to me about a CLINICAL job in Sacramento. I am totally not qualified but they seem really eager for me to fill it. It is a Director of Patient Care Services job!! It is nice to be wanted but it is too absurd to entertain. I don’t even think regulations wise a non licensed person can fill it…

It feels like the end of the day when I stayed one from school. All the kids came off the bus laughing and playing and I was bored and antsy. It is nice to miss the work but it sucks to miss the reward

Today is a simply beautiful day in Southern California. I have enough money to cover my expenses for the next week or two. I have no constraints on my activity or ability. If ever a time existed where I was free to explore life possibilities this is it.

Yet I can think of nothing. No business to start, no idea that fills me with passion. No plan to transcend to a life more intriguing. I can only think to apply for jobs and hope I get hired soon.

Just to make record of this. I am not having sex with anyone until I am at least 50. There is no connection I want to make or person I want to be with. I am married m, even though that has no intimacy. The WIL is the only person I ever want to share that with again. I would rather die never being intimate again than be with anyone beside her

The VP job is with a large National company. There are 17 direct reports. Yet they are not promoting someone. No one is stepping up to take the job or the company doesn’t believe any of them is qualified.

These jobs are as shallow and two dimensional as I am. Having been in operations for the last couple months I can tell you there is no result good enough to satisfy. These jobs wring as much from you as possible and then turnover staff to create the illusion of progress.

The only job I liked since being a chaplain was on I was promoted from within. Even then it was a tough place to work with high turnover but at least the sales division had consistent and considerate leadership.

The best jobs with healthy companies are not seen by people like me because they have a pipeline of relent they train and promote.

I am a hired gun, a mercenary or soldier of fortune (not saying to sound cool)

Even if I get the job they will ride me to grind down and put the screws to the frontline staff. Then they will grind me down. Then the boss will get ground down.

I am always checking the job boards so I know the jobs that come up every three to six months. They bring people in and push them out. Managing by chaos.

In the last 5 years I have sold (or attempted to sell…)

Skilled nursing services (post acute care)

Hospice

Real Estate

Insurance/fainancial products

Healthcare training

Healthcare business office support

Business consulting

The reason I have had so many jobs is because the thing I am best at selling is myself for a job. If you look at it that way I have an amazing track record and am a world class sales person. Obviously I have a high opinion of myself. I believe in myself. I can sell me because I am passionate.

This is a deeper existential question….

Is there something outside of me, a person, product, service, place or even “widget” I believe in?

Am I so deep on my own head that I don’t connect with a third party?

With job hunting and sex there are two parties. Me and the other person with mutual interest. But that is not a big tent. That is not inclusive. There are no friends and allies I am helping. There is no third party I bridge to another party. I am missing so much more in life. I live a two dimensional flat existence. I want to connect, build a team and sell with the same passion I have for myself. I love myself, why can’t I love others just the same?

I thought my thrill of the hunt get job/sex mentality would translate into a successful sales career. Cold call people, generate interest and close the sale. Cash out and move on to the next score.

However with jobs and sex there is mutual interest. A company wants to hire an all star and make profit. Another person wants to find a satisfying intimate experience.

The flaw is in sales there is no mutual interest. I struggle to generate interest which a good sales person can do. Has to do.

Maybe that means I am a failure. Perhaps I haven’t found what I truly can sell effectively and believe in enough to generate interest from another party.

I heard back about the job in Phoenix. Phone conversation tomorrow afternoon is set

I realize I am most engaged in the process of the hunt. I know I said that before. How can I translate that drive focus and energy to being committed to a job? To a relationship?

There is a parallel process to job hunting/job performance and my approach to relationships and sex.

I really feel I need outside counsel. To speak with someone that can look at my behavior objectively and offer observations