I used to think I could out run a exited and depression. Or make enough money, have enough attention to build a barrier against them. Then I thought I could just give up and avoid them. Finally I thought I could grow old and wise. Outthink and outlast them. They are just thoughts and I am always thinking. I will always have aniexry and depression just as I will always have joy and happiness.

Sunday is the day I feel most sad. Preparing to get back into work mode. The whole week waiting to start. It already is prone to stress. Sunday has a unique energy. During the week I don’t have time to think and reflect. I go to work. I come home, eat, do some chores, read and sleep. Friday I am happy the week is done. Saturday I just look for ways to entertain myself. But Sunday is quiet and slow. That gives me time to think. And I usually think about ways my life was, or could be better. And that is not good. Set myself up for stress. Stress is caused by inner expectations. So of course sitting around thinking. Worried about work. Then I. Top of that add a million thoughts how life could be better. Or when it was better. That just grinds my souls away. I realized this as I was driving. Being aware of the pitfalls is good. I am great at identifying times I think negative and redirecting my thoughts.

Note: then I throw it away: I occasionally get stressed about the tenth job in nine years. I need to remember the cleaver. First day, new day starts now

12:04 back in palm desert. One my way to Phoenix. I can’t think of any Sunday scenario in the past nine years I would rather be doing. Weird not to be nostalgic for a past removed from the stress of the present. A new mindset.

Focusing on being strong and talented. Believe in my skills.

But if this job doesn’t pan out for whatever reason I am going back to being a chaplain. I have had my chances. I need to just survive.

9:28 am getting ready to leave and go back to Arizona. Lots of emotions. Staying positive. Not slipping into negativity or sadness. New begging. Fresh start

I win. I am successful. I am in control of my emotions and feelings. I am a leader who helped people find happiness and success.

Interesting observation. I am competitive. I put myself in competitive situations. Then when it is time to compete-I am throwing this energy away after I write this- I shy away from the competition and instead look to when I run away. Or try ad find safety. Or settle for just getting by.

I am a winner. I rise to every challenge. I am the foundation. The institution that people rely on.

Left Phoenix at 4am to return to Dana point. Drove four hours to palm desert. Pulled in to get coffee and use the bathroom and punctures a tire. Had to spend almost two hours getting the spare tire on and inflated. Was able to drive in on the spare. Mom ordered two new tires. I will have to leave the truck here and take the car.

A lot of energy connecting to wyoming on the drive. Thinking about first job. I am focusing on good memories.

6:29pm back in my apartment. One week of work completed.

I am keenly aware when certain emotions evoke negative thoughts. I decide whether or not to embrace those thoughts. if I choose i can think about something else. Or I can remove the negative thought/memory from the feeling. Either way I am in control of my experience.

Memories I have been enjoying this morning. High school graduation. Winning the state championship in baseball. College graduation. Finishing the job at the cement plant in croydon

Last night I called my mom then called my daughter. We video talked. We talked about figures/dolls she used to collect. We looked at them online and cracked jokes for twenty minutes. There were no feelings of regret, failure. We were just having fun. She asked me to show her the room again. She is excited to see it in person

7:07am. Went for a walk. Exercised in the fitness center. Made coffee. Showered. Got dressed. Did the dishes from last night.

I am disciplined with my thoughts. When thinking about memories I choose to focus on positive thoughts. I remember small vignettes. I cherish the moment in time. I do not try to solve the entire puzzle. There is no perfect way to look at the whole of life.

I am a rock. A foundation. An institution. I am not going anywhere or faltering.

I frame work experiences and relationships past and present in positive light. I am a caring person. I am a disciplined person. I am a happy person.