Balance

My mind is spinning like crazy but I wanted to start getting this down.

On the walk this morning I pondered the desire to be the great dad/provider versus the desire to pursue passion and honor the inner child me. I wrestled because I feel a strong pull in both directions. Even though I have not had much success in either direction, but that is another story…

Then I realized one thing about being a hospice chaplain.

I had balance. I could see myself in both those lights at the same time. The job for my skills better. I worked for a good company with good benefits. I had decent pay. I could do an above average job with part time effort.

That allowed me times to ponder life. To write. To envision myself as an artist.

As I was walking I started to get nostalgic. there are only so many morning left to take the walk. Never mind that the walk was born out of necessity. I couldn’t go to the gym any more. Now it is a finite commodity. I was getting sentimental.

But I thought about yesterday. How relieved I was to be leaving. The number one value of Phoenix is not the job or the city. It is breaking the frames. The frame of super provider. Of ultra success. Of tireless goal achiever. if nothing else Phoenix and what it represents allows me to pursue balance again.

I need to be disciplined. stay focused. Letting my mind go, feel every single emotion and pursue every thread is destructive. When I started my MBA I learned early I couldn’t hustle my way to peace. Meaning I couldn’t find peace by manically working. I would never finish. There would always be more work. I would just ground myself down.

The same is true of my thoughts and emotions. I can’t feel everything. I can’t think my way to peace. I have to be mindful. Realize the things I must work on. Release those I can’t resolve. Some thoughts can’t be resolved peacefully. I put them in the stream and let them flow. To keep pondering is maddening. And will destroy me