The jackpot on the slot machine I played last night was $100,000,000. For an instance I imagined winning that money. How would my life had changed? I would feel vindication. After nine years I have no confidence in my abilities. Nothing to show for my career. No historical data that proves I have any idea what I am doing. After nine years I have no wife, no WIL. I have no meaningful relationship with a partner. After nine years of clawing to keep Southern California a safe home for my daughter I am moving to Phoenix.
In a little more than a week I turn 49. I am on a fucking epic losing streak. I still believe in redemption. The question is, “which will come first? Redemption or death?” If I play the game long enough I will start to pick up wins. Find a job I am good at, build some fortune. Get involved in a healthy relationship. Mend the ones from the past. Provide for my daughter. The real life struggle to stay sane and alive is constantly in my face. The darkness is racing after me. The devil might get me before I see my fortune turn. But I still have to run
mikemeyer949 