Thoughts

Putting thoughts into posts make me see how flighty my thinking is. Thoughts scream for attention then fade away. I also see how certain themes come up again and again.

When I am deep in thoughts I am a giant loser who is mentally ill and can’t keep a job. When I am more objective I am a caring soul who made a wrong career choice. Sales was not the discipline for me. The thick skin, tenacity and resolve were not in me. Either as a sales manager or a salesperson.

That narrative was with me in the fall when I moved back to operations. It was a redemption story that worked. On many levels. I for into a discipline more suited for my skills. The office was close to home. I could keep my home and not uproot my daughter.

When I was given a layoff notice first of the year it was a shock. That situation destroyed the narrative I had crafted. I was already on thin ice mentally because of lockdown and too much time to think. That was with a job. And without a WIL crushing bad beat. Now I had nothing but time to ponder what happened and what I would do.

Getting laid off was a bad beat. And it made the job feel like another in the string. I have optimism that is all it was.

Phoenix is a lower key. It felt very natural and comfortable. The census is a third of the previous one. It won’t be as hectic. The position has been open for six months. They struggled to fill it. In talking with my supervisor and her supervisor stability is high in there priorities. As it is with me. It is a good company with corporate structure. Not a fly by the pants one person making rash decisions.

I am not going to look to far in the future. One day at a time. Get to Phoenix, get started. Finish the move. Signing a lease calms me. It is like I have a contractual obligation to stay a year. That is how unstable I have felt!