Success

What am I looking for? What would be success to me? I don’t know. Waking up being proud of who I am, what I do and what I have accomplished. Pride. I was a success as a hospice chaplain because I was proud of who I was, what I did and what I had accomplished. I blessed and released chaplaincy. I don’t need to go back. But I have not been proud of work in some time. On a macro level my identity is I am my daughters father. When I think of her I am proud of who I am what I do and what I have accomplished. I love my daughter more than anything. When I look back at this time I will say clearly that was who I was meant to be. But in the time, right now, I didn’t expect my work, finances and living situation to collapse around that love and identity. That has been a bummer. I am proud I am her father. But my failure in all those other areas embarrasses me. How can my daughter be proud of me if I can’t function in life? Take care of her? Provide for her? Be in the same state as her? In the last post I mentioned how I was obsessively self centered. On some levels that is true. But on other levels I am more giving of the little social energy I have. I just give it all to my daughter. If I have a limited resource I have to spend it wisely. My ability to interact with people is valued but in short supply. I don’t mind. I am an introvert. While I like being with people it drains me. I need a fair amount of time to recharge after even short social interactions. That is why it might be best to be in Arizona alone for a while. Live a monastic life. Work, apartment sleep. No other activities. It kills me to say that but I need to focus on balancing my entire being or I am going to destroy myself and be of no use to my daughter or anyone for that matter