8:23am. Went to bed around 9pm. woke up at two with a headache. The air is very dry. And I encountered a lot of dust from two days of moving. Feeling a little better. Walked about a mile down to the grocery store with a Starbucks. Bought some lotion for my hands and a giant coffee. I miss my coffee maker. I miss having two coffee shops within easy walking distance. I miss the cool morning air. And I miss hills.
Today is my birthday. I almost forgot until I saw it in my phone. I miss my daughter. Saturday’s are our days. With her getting older and covid we don’t do much but we get to hang out and be together.
On the walk to get coffee my mind came up with a bunch of reasons why Dana Point didn’t work. In the end the results didn’t add up. I ran out of money. I could not borrow any more. I could have used more retirement. But the situation became desperate. My mental health slipped. I had no job. No prospect for a job and no belief I could have a mutually beneficial relationship with an employer.
I needed to be removed from the situation. Like going to boarding school or a treatment center. My behavior was destructive and I could not change it.
Today Arizona feels like an extension of utah. Like I have been sent back down to triple A. I am not complaining. I was happiest in utah and felt I performed best there. I can focus on work. Have stable income. Buy a house. I lament my failure in Southern California. I guess I lasted nine years. That I something to be proud of. But as a father who set out to make it my daughters home. To provide stability I failed.
I was thinking back to when I turned thirty 19 years ago. How eager I was to experience the world and find my place. How that first move to California led to utah, then back to California. With every move I saw life as a game. I was searching for the perfect, or at least maximum, existence. The best house, car, job, money women, sex. The total experience. Having come full circle and back in familiar energy with the Arizona/Utah parallel I realize life is just a series of vignettes. There is no perfection. My insistence there was led me to keep searching and feeling empty. Today on my 49th birthday, in a new town, getting ready to start a new job I release the quest to find the perfect life. I am just a guy. A dad. Husband. Father. Son. Employee who lives in Arizona works as a hospice director. That is the role I was given. I will be the best at my given role as long as I can. Please go’s let it be a long time. I am tired of running. And I honestly never want to have to go through the process of getting a job again
mikemeyer949 