6:26pm. Finished day one of work. Came home, ate dinner, thinking about going for a walk. First day was fine. Non descript. I have had too many first days. Since leaving the chaplaincy I have had first days of work in 2009, 2010, 2011, twice in 2012, 2014, 2016, 2017, twice in 2018, 2019, 2020, and now 2021. That is 13 first days in in less than 11 years and four months. I am numb. I feel a sense of pride that I met the challenge after the shitty start to the year. That I was able to get another job, stay mentally focused, handle the logistics of moving to a new place. The drive home was relaxing. Enjoyable in a new place. But nothing means anything. What am I trying to accomplish? How long can I stay? Do I stay? the dirt day, the first two months of the last job went well. I was going to stay and get my daughter through school. I feel nothing. I am not sad. I am not optimistic. I don’t have dread but I also don’t have happiness. I am just going through the time.
Record scratch sound effect. have to catch myself. I write my narrative. If I am going to be morose then that is all I will get. If I don’t control the situation and change the narrative all I will get is all I have ever gotten. I am a strong dynamic leader.
mikemeyer949 