Last night I imagined my mindset and thought pattern as an operating system. What would it take to change my operating system? How could I remove it? Replace it?

I was busy all day yesterday. The anxiety was there but I was able to be productive and use it the energy effectively. This morning went for a walk with my daughter and spent the rest of the time working on homework.

I would love to find an activity that occupies my mind and allows me to sustain my lifestyle.

I believe I actually have a high reviving engine that needs attention. But I have not found good ways to express it. The activities I learned, observed and valued were cerebral, isolated. Internal. There is a whole world that is tactile, engaging external. The question is can I rewire my brain and activities? Can I change my operating system?

Being a hospice chaplain in Ogden utah was my rock star moment. I wouldn’t trade that experience for anything.

Being a sales person in California was my wrap my sports car around a tree hell on earth.

Listened to some John Prine tonight. A good time. Something about a song I heard 100’s of times still made me think of the WIL. Made me start to blubber. Released the knot in my pancreas. I still frame my hopes on utah and her. At least tonight I can be somewhat diplomatic and appreciate how perfect we were once. Much better than shredding my soul about losing her

I feel like I roll with the tides. Or have my own pattern. Around 2am and 2pm my anxiety rises. Then around 5 it starts to abate. Tonight I am still feeling tense. The thing is this job this opportunity should be a blessing. I just can’t lower the heat in my gut. I am always revving.

Spent most of the day since 7am on the move. The energy that usually is spent overthinking and cycling was placed on communications with landlords, utilities and services. I spoke with my new supervisor briefly. Now I am at the car wash getting the truck ready for sale. Went to the gift store and bought valentines cards for wife, daughter and mom. I am not used to busy productive days. Interesting that anxiety is still present but just put on different things.

I wonder if I will ever feel joy again. So many things I used to get energy from I gloss over. Like being productive, meeting challenges. Now I just numbly stumble over them and cross them off my list. I wish I could slow down. Savor a simple day. Be proud of my accomplishments. Look forward to events. Friday nights used to feel so special. Now I dread the night no matter what day. I get anxiety around 2pm. I can’t think of anything to do. I usually eat too much or drink alcohol. If I drink I stay up a little later. If I don’t I go to bed around 6:30pm. I really need to get back to work so I have a better routine.

When things were going good at my jobs I would day dream about working until I was 75. Just to stay busy. I imagined a scenario almost exactly like this. A good paying job in a nearby city. Stay busy. Keep working. Contribute to society. Help out people that would appreciate my expertise. In that instance this would be a dream come true. On the extreme other side is me losing my mind running for my life to the first life preserver I can find. Leaving my daughter and family behind. I really hope my mind slows down once I am working again. I am mentally exhausted from the constant whipsaw.

Putting thoughts into posts make me see how flighty my thinking is. Thoughts scream for attention then fade away. I also see how certain themes come up again and again.

When I am deep in thoughts I am a giant loser who is mentally ill and can’t keep a job. When I am more objective I am a caring soul who made a wrong career choice. Sales was not the discipline for me. The thick skin, tenacity and resolve were not in me. Either as a sales manager or a salesperson.

That narrative was with me in the fall when I moved back to operations. It was a redemption story that worked. On many levels. I for into a discipline more suited for my skills. The office was close to home. I could keep my home and not uproot my daughter.

When I was given a layoff notice first of the year it was a shock. That situation destroyed the narrative I had crafted. I was already on thin ice mentally because of lockdown and too much time to think. That was with a job. And without a WIL crushing bad beat. Now I had nothing but time to ponder what happened and what I would do.

Getting laid off was a bad beat. And it made the job feel like another in the string. I have optimism that is all it was.

Phoenix is a lower key. It felt very natural and comfortable. The census is a third of the previous one. It won’t be as hectic. The position has been open for six months. They struggled to fill it. In talking with my supervisor and her supervisor stability is high in there priorities. As it is with me. It is a good company with corporate structure. Not a fly by the pants one person making rash decisions.

I am not going to look to far in the future. One day at a time. Get to Phoenix, get started. Finish the move. Signing a lease calms me. It is like I have a contractual obligation to stay a year. That is how unstable I have felt!

Hospice is the industry I work in. I was a full time chaplain. After 6 and a half years I was ready for more responsibility. Hospice is not an industry with a lot of career advancement opportunities. My options were sales or operations. I wanted to grow as a person, make more money. But I did not have a passion for either discipline. Nor do I have the work ethic it takes to be successful.

I am in an objective mood. I can see where I innocently made choices with good intentions. I can see where those choices have crushed me in every way. The question is “how do I get out? How do I move forward?” You get no argument me. I suck at these jobs. I don’t want to do them. I can’t believe it is so hard. I guess it is like leaving Southern California. At some point it will be bad enough I don’t have a choice. Fuck. That is a shitty attitude. I am optimistic. I want to be pushed into a different path. I want to share these posts. The times I was most Alice was being a chaplain at a busy hospital in Salt Lake City. Dealing with life or death emergencies. It wasn’t easy. But I felt called and had the skills to help. The other time was being the hospice chaplain. Helping people deal with death. It wasn’t easy but I was called and had the skills. I need to believe the enemy is worth fighting. No amount of money or titles drives me like racing crisis, death and now mental illness. This is my new ministry.

I feel peace when I accept the situation. After the layoff I was so devastated. I thought it was a situation so bad I could not accept it. I neared down and drive myself to destruction.

Sharing allowed my wife to accept me. Allowed her to open up. It empowered her to know she is not struggling alone. Sharing also allowed me to let down the wall I built of being strong and successful. I no longer needed to pretend I had executing under control.

Going into a leadership role how will I use these lessons? Normally I would act like I think a leader should act. Keep the wall up, never show weakness. Can I be honest? Vulnerable? And still lead?

Dear god,

Why are you doing this to me? Why are you embarrassing me? Humiliating me?