Like a top level pitcher, focusing only on the pitch at the moment. The top level golfer focusing on the putt. There are zero thoughts that need to be present other than the task. I want to lament past losses, current situations. Easy to see those are not helpful.

I want to consider a narrative. Build a big picture. Grow professionally. All those things are just as poisonous. What I consider strategy derails me. Defuses commitment. I have one play. One opportunity to find stability. The neuro pathway owner/leader energy

Won $182.53 on the night. not bad. Off sets some of the cost of the trip. And I had fun.

Feeling lonely tonight. Not sure how to change that.

Lacking confidence. Started to go down the old neuro pathway with work. On one level my sanity and financial health depend on succeeding at this job. On another level I see years of precedent failure. The new neuro pathway of ownership/leadership can address the concern. Can I achieve top level consistency day and day out? I am good at getting jobs. I only need to be in character for an hour. 50 hours week in/week out, different story.

Flip side. I want free time. But free time equals overthinking. Anxiety. I gear down i feel disappointed. I gear up I feel overwhelmed. What is healthy and productive? I can’t find fair value. For me or my employer.

Give me a magical lamp. I could not tell you three wishes that would make me happy.

Wasn’t ready to head back. Didn’t want to stay another night in Phoenix. Made my way up north to Las Vegas. Good drive. I like going on road trips. I am in a low enough frequency. I don’t overthink.

I signed a lease. Now I have a place. Have to get back to California. Sell the truck. Pack essentials for living. Arrange move of furniture. The process can be overwhelming. Went into target to use the bathroom. Had a flashback to utah after the move. That move was heartbreaking. This move is hard but the larger energy is getting away from toxicity.

My mind keeps wanting to deconstruct the move from California. I am too fragile to do that. I need to stay focused on my ownership energy. My peace energy. The energy surrounding work and career in California was extremely toxic. If I don’t cleave that I am going to hurt myself mentally, emotionally and financially

One thing I struggle with is staying in the moment. Engaging the mission. Focusing on the goal.

My mind is always searching for positions that take into account all past values. Being in a good place isn’t enough. I bring in childhood thoughts. Past memories. Experiences from long ago. They all crowd in demanding validation. And if one is incongruent I lose my edge. I scramble to recalibrate to satiate all viewpoints.

Talk of cleaving is to remedy that. Phoenix is a new start. Being the director is a new start. These posts are a new start. I am in a good position as a father and leader. For the rest of the year I have focus. Complete the logistics of moving. Establish a strong foundation. Lead with conviction. Provide positive energy and peace to everyone I encounter.

As far as existential stress, the knot in my stomach. I feel the best I have in some time. I have the giant peace pathway and now a way to look at work. The owner pathway. these two can be the foundation for a good energy in Phoenix. The move still requires focus. The logistics and emotional energy can weigh me down. The next month and a half will be key to setting up the Phoenix Me. If I am strong I can attract others to me. When I am strong I can provide support. When I am healthy I can give love.

I am having trouble getting my thoughts together. My mind is racing.

Multiple dreams last night. All these assistants, each responsible for an aspect of my life. Wok, personal, three others.

Pictured a graph. On a scale of one to 100 work was one hundred, personal zero. I have no life outside work. It is true.

Fitful sleep but relaxed existentially. Found a new neuro pathway last night. I am approaching work/this job absolutely like I bought this hospice. What would I do? How would I act if my money was in the line and the buck stops with me? Finding it brought a lot of energy into alignment. I feel excited. I feel like I have a good perspective going in. I feel I can achieve success.

I feel betrayed. Nine years somewhere should have meant leaving id a rash, ineffective decision. Instead I am trying desperately to salvage my sanity and finances before I plunge both into the abyss. If I had stayed in utah these last ten years I would probably own my house outright. And would have seen it double in value. When we moved to California we were only going to rent a short time. Save money, sell our home in utah, get into something small, build equity, size up. Instead my jobs became unstable. We sold our utah house right before the market took off. We didn’t get into ownership in California. Jobs never became stable. Still, I fought to stay in California. I weathered tumult. Nine fucking job changes. I kept thinking “stick it out. It will settle down. It will get better. Dint give up. Stay the course.” All I got was nothing. The gift to me is mental illness, loneliness and financial ruin.

I went to bed early. Got back up and watched tv. Had indigestion from pizza. I used to be in tune with my body. I knew every nuance. Why I hurt, how in shape I was. What was stressing me and how to cope. I was in control. My mind body and soul were one. Now they all feel separate. Fragmented.

I feel like I am repeating things. Every post is redundant. Like I have said all this before. Watched a little of road house. Seeing Patrick swayze as young, in shape. He died so young of cancer. Every story comes to an end. We all fade and die.

So much going through my mind. Now connections at work starting. Trying to get housing. So wrapped up in thoughts, forget to post sometimes

Just want a personal narrative I am compelled by. for this audience of one

“I can still remember, the words and what they meant. As we etched them with our fingers, in years of wet cement” Rise Against