The property was fine. The lady wasn’t very helpful and didn’t seem all that interests in having me move in. Put a damper on my enthusiasm. I am checking out another property tomorrow morning.

Had contact with my new boss/supervisor. She announced my hiring. Responded to a lot of well wishes.

Feeling the depression. Lockdown has deprived me the joy of home. I don’t know where “home” is any more. Wyoming doesn’t feel like home. Utah doesn’t feel like home. Dana Point doesn’t. Phoenix doesn’t. I don’t know my safe place to return to and shut out the world. Because I don’t have a world to shut out. I miss activities. I miss the contrast of not doing activities even more. There is a constant anxious ache in my stomach. It has always been there, intermittent. It got worse with the lockdown. It has become constant since the layoff.

Appointment in 2 hours to tour a complex. Seems like a nice area. Price is high end of my range. Depending on utilities and add ons.

I have no where to be, nothing to do. At least for this morning. Possibilities are endless. A beautiful day. I could go anywhere. These days are bittersweet. They feel so enticing. Yet they show there is no “perfect” existence.

I am not enthused about going to an office from 8am to 5pm five days a week. But I can’t think of anything else.

I want to share these posts and talk about them. How do I do that? I feel like hospice is one possibility out of millions of ways to live life, make money. I loved being a chaplain. I have honored that and let it go. Sales. I let that go. If I don’t do operations I won’t be sad. The freeway of peace, inside and out.

I really do need to give up the house. Get out of Orange County. I need to leave the situation. Look at things a different way. My hope is my wife can provide stability while I figure this out. Either solving my employment issues or creating a new life permanently somewhere else.

I want to live in Dana Point. It has been my home for nine years. It is where my daughter has grown up.

The way to stay in Dana point is to make money. I make money by working a job. I cannot keep a job living in Dana Point. There is an anxiety associated with employment living in Dana Point that sabotages me. Solutions include: Seek professional help to figure out the issues that lead to my dismal job history in Dana Point. pursue other ways to make money. accept the situation. Leave. Move and create a new life.

I tried the second one. I was not successful. I am in the midst of the third one. I haven’t tried the first. I need to get my head out of my ass and utilize counseling.

the situation about place and house makes it feel small. Like being in a helicopter overlooking a forest. When you have a wider view observations are more objective. I can be rational.

The situation with the house is easy to see how destructive it is sitting in a hotel in Phoenix at 3am. Getting ready to move for a job away from my family. I have a new perspective.

I knew all those things in Dana Point but I was in the energy. I loved my house. The view. The cool breeze. The neighborhood. That it was/is the place my daughter considers home. The place where my mom is having fun and rehabilitating. It was ground zero. The place we could all return to no matter how far we traveled.

Having a home is beautiful. I can and will provide that again. For my daughter. My mom. Even my wife if she needs it. But giving up my health for that house is not worth it. I bless and release that place. And look forward to finding home anew.

For nine years the number one priority was hanging on to my home. The first place we lived in Orange County was sold. We were on month to month. He raised the rent in all four tenants 10% every three months to force us to move. We stayed in the neighborhood. On the same street. Three blocks up. the ocean side of the street. Bigger. An extra bathroom. A pool. Also 30% more in rent. After two years the rent was raised 10%. We got a dog. At this point I will be making less money than I did when we moved to California. My rent is $1000 more. Per month. I haven’t made the kind of money I need to cover the rent payment for almost four years. Am I stubborn? Optimistic? Stupid? I have trapped myself in a situation and a mindset with the house. My way of thinking is not healthy. I am letting go of that energy frees me to realign.

I need to be strong and focused. When I try to “solve” things I get desperate. I can’t make everything perfect. I am a good father. I am a good son. The path is different than I anticipated. I still have goodness in my heart.

If I was making conscious choices I would not be broke and moving away from my daughter.

If I am powerless I am weak and doomed

My life is a mess. Am I responsible? Or ami doing the best I can and failing?

I spoke with my daughter on video this evening. It was good to see her. I worry I am just the dad moving away. How did I get here? Why can’t I stay at a job? Be a good employee? A good father? A good husband?

I don’t have a girlfriend. I am practicing abstinence. Yet I feel like a selfish prick. Only worried about my needs.

I valued stable employment. I worked hard. But I am unemployed.

Staying in my home was priority number one. now I am moving. Out of my home. Out of my city. Out of my state.

Fuck.

“Where are the bootstraps to lift myself up? Where is the well where I once filled my cup? Where does my sorrow all turn into joy? Where oh where is my sleepy eyed boy?” John Prine