Today is a beautiful day in Dana point. The sun is shining and there is a cool breeze. My daughter and her dog walked with my mom and I to the grocery store. On the way home she told me how much she will miss this house.

This is the first weekend we are together since I told her about Phoenix.

Moving from this place is right. Change needs to happen. But what is treasured will always be missed.

I spent so much energy and money holding on to this house. Putting off moving in hopes fortune would turn.

The time has come. This is the place my daughter most identifies as home. leaving will be hard. A new begging doesn’t come without sacrifice

Now there is a record. How I thought. The hopes and dreams. My interpretation of the world. The things I valued. The people I cherished.

There is a peace realizing my thoughts won’t die with me. Even if no one cares. Even if they are never read. They are in the world. I existed. I had energy. I did something

The new neuro pathway, parkway freeway I will fill with peace.

I will radiate peace within. Share it with those I meet. I just want to bring peace to people.

Being a hospice chaplain gave me an outlet to provide peace. Let me be open to dining a new outlet. Not trying to rile the world. Be everything. Accomplish everything. Just find peace. Give peace.

I release the emotional ties that paralyze me. I release the thoughts that sadden me. I release the perceptions disappoint me.

I let go of all that weighs me down. I am reborn. Starting fresh.

you can only do your best. I believed I would be a great salesperson. When I moved to California I was confident I was going to have a celebrated sales executive career. When I tried to start my own business I believed that was the way to make more money, advance my career.

I want to beat myself up. Treat my life like a car that needs to be fixed. I act like if I modify something I will get better performance.

I am who I am. I am trying. I never tried to fail. Or disappoint. Professionally and personally.

I have a new adventure. A fresh beginning. It will start right around my 49 birthday. A new beginning celebrating the first beginning

There is always a place you miss and a place you are at. Moving to Phoenix makes it the place I am at. Orange County will be the place I miss. Utah gets moved to third position.

The inability to grow professionally is frustrating. I am doing the same job I was doing ten years ago. I am making less money then I did nine years ago.

I feel like there is a vein of untapped potential I am always failing to access.

I imagined words like confident, rewarded, recognized. I have been unsettled, insecure and distant

A lot is riding in change…

Not to trivialize when I am spiraling but a lot of it is I am bored.

My approach to lockdown has been to just gut it out. Even if I am depressed and anxious I need to suck it up. I need to change my mindset. this is the new reality. Sucking it up is breaking me.

I am usually good at entertaining myself. Reading, going to the gym, walking, browsing in the stores. All pre pandemic things. I need to be more proactive with my mental health

I got a wave of positive thinking at 4am. It is nice not to be keyed up every single second

I have imposter syndrome. I hope it is from sales and Southern California. Changing my perspective changes my confidence.

I am excited to get started at my job. I am the new captain. This is my ship

Feelings about utah and the WIL are dangerous. They are heroin. I need to treat them like an addiction. If I am not there, if I am not with her I am torturing myself. Use the new neuron freeway and park the car of rampant emotions

Moving is monumental. The process of uprooting one location and establishing another is draining

Moving brings many forgotten norms back into focus. There were a lot of mindless ruts in my life. I am forced to re-examine them

My energy is much more flowing to leave than stay. No time is perfect to move. But this is the right time. I wouldn’t stay if I could.

I love the memories of my daughter in Southern California. The inability to find a stable career was disappointing. I want to commit to mission. To have friends and allies. To appreciate a job. To be appreciated.

These thoughts were rolling around in my head all night. I was able to recall them. My experiment of limiting mindless device scrolling seems to be paying off. anecdotally at least.

I am going to get back in the habit of sharing random thoughts. Since I started compiling the posts I noticed themes. Work, moving, relationships, depression. Subconsciously I started to edit. All I thought worth sharing were those themes. I think about other things. What is the movie where someone wrote random thoughts in thousands of journals? The one where he did it because he Hud gold in the ink?

Holding on and clinging to this house has been what strained my sanity.

Moving is either going to liberate or destroy me. Either I am snapping the last thread or breaking free from the demon

In 2017 I ignored the financial warning signs I needed to move and downsize. That screwed up my wiring. Instead of responding appropriately to danger i kept spending savings and retirements.. now I am haywire.

I can’t trust my feelings because I didn’t normally respond to them. I feel like my mental health has deteriorated since then