I think I am depressed. It is not an emotional overwrought depression. It is logical. Nothing seems worthwhile. I feel like my soul is burned out wiring that once carried true emotion.

This move is either going to save me or destroy me. I have too much time to think. I need to work.

As a chaplain I was confident and passionate. I believed 100% unequivocally I was the best hospice chaplain. How I did things was right. I was passionate about my work. I never doubted I gave absolut value to my employer.

As a sales professional I felt like and acted like a fraud. Six months into my sales career I knew I wasn’t good at sales. I didn’t like the work. I didn’t believe I brought value to the organizations I worked for. I was an imposter hustling the company. When tension arose that was the time the job was over.

Operations are different. I have confidence I bring value to an organization. I am not necessarily passionate. I don’t believe I am the best. I can and will be a solid leader.

A little kernel of doubt slipped in my mind. It is growing out of control. Is the inability to keep a job because I am not good at sales? Is it the viewpoint in Southern California? Or is it something else?

I started having this problem when I became a parent. I am terrified I will move and it will be no different. My confidence is so low. I have ptsd from jobs going south. I watch shows and if a boss gets upset I feel my stomach tighten.

The trauma goes back further than Southern California. It first happened in utah. The new manager at the hospice where I worked as a Chaplain tried to run me off. Fuck. I am broken

My competitiveness is kicking in. I have been in Southern California for nine years. I tried every angle to stay.

I am on the brink of financial ruin.

I am dealing with serious bouts of depression and anxiety.

I dislike the work I have done. The impermanence of multiple positions.

Yet leaving means losing. I need to deprogram. dump this thought line. Amazing how the mind can latch onto one simple thread and ride it to stupidville

Working on personal budget today. My entire adult life I always had a budget. Two years ago I ran out of savings and started to run up debt. I got into lazy habits. My budget is going to be tight. not including servicing debt already incurred.

Today is a rough day. My daughter will be coming over for the first time since I told her I was moving. I keep thinking I made this choice when really I had no option. One way or the other I have to give up this house. The cost is crushing me. All the other intangibles, new perspective, starting over are justifications for me to accept the situation. I am happy for the change. I believe it will benefit everyone. But giving something up always hurts

I went to seminary when I was 22. I earned my masters of divinity when I was 26. I had just graduated from college. I didn’t know what I wanted to do. I pursued a master of divinity degree because I was avoiding making life decisions. I was buying time. From a childish decision came a career I was proud of.

I started pursuing my MBA when I was 34. I earned my degree when I was 37. I went into sales to challenge myself. To make more money. To provide more for my wife and daughter. The reasons for my mba and sales career seem selfless. Noble. From a caring decision came a career that crushed me

I suck at sales. I am happy to market as an operations director. An executive meeting with people and presenting our service. I loved marketing as a chaplain. I had credibility. I was a care provider first and foremost. A dedicated professional taking time to share my passion.

Marketing as a chaplain or a director makes my energy flow in a positive direction. sales as a singular focus drains my soul. Dale Carnegie advised to “avoid the acute angle” when dealing with people. Sales for me was an acute angle. A good chaplain validates your viewpoint to find peace. A good sales person invalidates your viewpoint to disrupt your buying pattern. A chaplain is seen as someone who gives. A sales person takes.

The change in career damaged me. I loved being a chaplain. I spent four years in seminary, studying learning, doing ministry. I earned a masters of divinity from an accredited institution. I completed thirteen units of clinical pastoral education. I preached hundreds of sermons. Performed wedding ceremonies, baptisms, funerals. Led prayer groups, bible studies, guided meditations. I spent hours deliberately working to calm my energy so when I walked into a persons home they felt peace in my presence.

I gave that up. It is easy to see in retrospect the trouble I would have with sales. I worked as a professional chaplain for 11 years. I worked in sales for eleven years. The memories of being a Chaplin fills my heart with happiness. The memories of my sales career hollows out the core of my soul.

I accept the choices I made. I appreciate the lessons I learned.

I used the concept of the clear un polluted neuron freeway in my walk this morning. Not just with the WIL and relationships. But with work. Phoenix is a new beginning. Utah was being the chaplain. I bless and release that version of me. Orange County was the sales version of me. I shove that fucker in the closet and throw away the key. Phoenix is a clean slate. Phoenix is the operations director version of me. I am beginning anew

My wife is stressing. She sees stability disrupted. Phoenix changes her life. Whether she follows or not. Phoenix changes everyone’s life.

Next week I will find a home in Phoenix. My door will be open to all. Once there is a place anxiety will lessen. When there is a safe space there will be possibility.

My wife has wanted to move for years. She complains about Orange County. She wants to change jobs. Phoenix can provide a fresh start for her as well. My hope is in the summer/fall my wife and daughter will join me. My wife can take time. Find a place for her. Her job is remote. She can take it with her. She can look for a new job in Phoenix.

There is possibility in a new place. I will create a safe space and welcome everyone