Last night I had a couple drinks and started thinking about the WIL. I was sad and wanted to reach out to her. I didn’t and wouldn’t.

I went to bed. A couple hours later I woke up to go to the bathroom and had a mindset almost implanted in my brain. Ther is a new neuro pathway that was built. Almost like a new feeeway. It is empty. But I see it as a road to happiness in a relationship with someone else. The pathway is not built by actual neurons firing. There are no feelings from someone else. But this road is built. Even in just theory.

I am going to park on it. Even if there is no traffic. I would rather sit on a new possibility than keep banging my head

I have made a decision to limit device use. That means limiting scrolling job boards. Hook up sites. Porn. I can’t say I feel better. I will know more when I get to Phoenix. When I start a new job. I just stayed in superficial surface relationships. With jobs. With people. The hypothesis is by not accessing places to indulge superficial connections I will be forced to appreciate scarcity. I will commit deeper to those I do have relationship with. I will cherish a stable job. A friendship. A genuine new connection.

I am ready to meet the new me. The Phoenix version. I want to know who ever I am from that perspective. I bless and release Orange County me. Time to move forward, never backward. That was the theme at my daughters catholic school in fourth grade. Always forward.

When I am out and about keeping busy I am excited about Phoenix and starting over. The drive to Valencia and walking on the trail cleared my head. Gave me new perspective.

Then I came back to the house. I see all the things I will leave. My energy goes sideways. I think about getting my truck ready for sale. But I want to see if I need it for the move. I want to find a place to live. But can’t tell much from just pictures. I am wound up with no energy dispersal. I get grouchy and punchy. Trying to stay calm. Enjoy the day. Hope everything pre employment is taken care of. Drug test tomorrow. Leave for Phoenix Monday to check it out. Find a place.

Before my wife and I moved to utah we lived in Valencia California for a year. I drove up here to go on the walk I did every morning with my dog. As I was driving I was reminded how much I fucking loved this place. How magical it felt to live in the Los Angeles area. How I loved coming back to visit family when we moved to utah. to see the area again and go for the walk. Even living in Orange County we would come visit and I would make it a point to go for the walk along the trail that was behind our apartment.

I love Dana point. But it was where I was to be at that time. Just like I loved Valencia. And centerville. I am excited to discover a new place in Phoenix. Hold new memories.

Home is where I make it. Phoenix will be just as strong a home to my daughter as Orange County because I will always provide a safe place from the world for her just as my dad did for me. She will build ties and memories just as I did in all the places I lived. She will be alright and so will I.

Driving through Los Angeles county I realize how stressed I have been. I designed a game of stress. That living out here is so valuable. And everyone was trying to take it away. I was always fighting to hold on. Realizing I can quit the game and move on is a huge relief.

I am looking forward to finding a nice place to live. One thing about where we are now is the apartments have been old and shitty. Shorty plumbing, dated fixtures. The price premium is for location. Not amenities.

I was also thinking about my wife looking at jobs I could apply for in Orange County. I am emotionally invested in Phoenix now. I don’t think I would take a job in Orange County. It is time to move on.

For the first time in over 10 years I am feeling something like hope. The ending of being a chaplain, becoming a parent, leaving utah was consuming. The grief demanded all my emotional attention.

Phoenix seems unknown but it is huge for a reason. People like living there. Once I have a place everyone will be excited, not nervous.

I don’t talk about this much because it hurts but I have to.

In 2017 the WIL started pulling away. She still loved me in her way. But I could tell it was different. After years of being so calibrated the slightest change is huge. She is beautiful. I am not there. She gets a lot of attention. I am sure another guy came into her life. Even though she is married.

She texted me but they were perfunctory . She would pick fights for no reason. They lasted longer than necessary. and based on frivolous things. She was happy to put me on the back burner for a week or two. When we were together it was still magical. But they were two or three times a year. She put on a show for me while I was in town. She was with me for nostalgia. Good old memories. Perhaps a feeling of obligation.

I would leave. She went home. we went back to our separate lives.

I am haunted we are not us any more. Admitting something so perfect has diminished wrecks my guts even now.

Her husband finding out was a blessing. It gave her a reason to finally let go. It is honestly a blessing for me. I don’t need to keep holding on to a dying rose.

She is gone. She was gone three and a half years ago. I will be fine. one day at time. I will heal. I will move on.

Fuck. This is hard to write. Admitting the truth hurts

I am really good at getting jobs. Not necessarily keeping them.

When I first moved to California I was like a young baseball pitcher. I had a great fastball. I loved applying for jobs. I loved interviewing. To know me was to love me. Then I got tired of the game. I tried doing my coaching. Ran out of money. Has to go back to work and realized I didn’t have the snap on my heater.

Back to the drawing board. For the last four years I have been roughed up. Took some bad beats. Shitty low paying or total commission sales jobs. I am a wily veteran relying on instinct. Experience.

The last job was a godsend. A director after three years of carrying the bag so to speak. I was in debt. Spending more than I was bringing in. For three fucking years. I blew my savings, most of my retirement, I ran up credit card debt and high interest insecure loans. Every fucking day in 2020 I kept telling myself I had to move. I had to lower my expenses. I kept putting it off. I didn’t want to leave my home. Disrupt my daughters life.

End of July I got a corrective action plan at my shitty sales job. The job sucked but it was job number 8. staying put somewhere had value. Being put on notice actually gave hope. I needed to find job number 9. Perhaps I could get back to the pay level necessary.

I started the ugly whore process on the job boards. Again. Stumbled upon the job. The owner was a guy who I supervised at job number 1. He hired me two weeks before I could get fired at number 8.

The pay was not peak but enough to pay my bills, keep my house. It was a fucking movie made salvation happy ending. A sign god wanted me to stay. That if I just stayed calm, believed in myself, things would work out.

Three fucking months later I walk in and get laid off. He didn’t even call me. Had the hr rep do it.

My mind snapped. During the pandemic with too much time to think. The whip from amazing salvation to burning pile unhinged me. I thought I would stay at that job at least two years. My daughter would be in high school. Just get her through high school. 5 more years.

Now I couldn’t stand the site of Orange County. I kicked and clawed. Scrambled through nine fucking jobs. Found a blessing. Turned out to be the cruelest motherfucker yet. I looked for job 10 in Orange County. The idea made me sick. I needed to get out instead. I looked everywhere. I was willing to go to Sacramento. Stockton/Modesto. I had lived in Modesto before. It was the hardest time of my life. Now I was willing to go back.

Phoenix came up. I missed the recruiters first email. Sent him a message. We talked. Fast tracked to the regional Vice President. Then zoom calls. Division vp, hr, compliance. Offered the job.

I know little about Phoenix. I need to get away. I need to break away. I need to give up the familiar. This house. This neighborhood. I need a new perspective. This is not job 10 in Orange County.

This is job one in Phoenix. There is a new perspective. I am taking it.

Posts are translated over. Now starting to edit/create narrative. Maybe because it is me and I am living it but it seems compelling. At least the first two of 57 pages…

Going to Phoenix next week. My mom is undecided if she will follow me. My wife is sending me job openings in Orange County. Apparently she is nervous. I am too. My daughter has lived here most of her life. Either her dad will now be 6 hours away or she has to move just before eight grade. I don’t want to put her in a tough spot. I want her to come out and live in Phoenix. I still expect my wife to come out too by the end of the year. when a place is just a concept there is uncertainty. After I find a house/neighborhood/school everyone can make an informed decision

The posts are almost all translated to a word document. I am picturing the posts to move a narrative forward and intersperse nuggets of wisdom.

Writing down feelings as they happen is interesting. I notice how quickly emotions change. On the walk this morning it felt like a giant wheel of fortune, clicking and popping. One thought produced a response. Another thought a different response. Sometimes different angles to the same idea changed feelings entirely. It is a little scary to see how reactive and temporal/ephemeral my emotions are

Producing these posts are the one thing I do well. I was a good chaplain and a decent preacher but I didn’t have passion for preaching. I have written many things but nothing particularly good. But the sheer mass of content I can produce is something I am proud of. This is the ride I have been waiting 13 years to find