Southern California is not the problem. I am not leaving because it is a bad place. I am leaving because I need to completely change my perspective on life. I am who I am in Orange County and will be that guy. Same as I was who I was in utah. I am going to see the world from and Arizona point of view for a while. Arizona might be great it might not. I might stay I might not. But it is the place from which I will view the world next

I have a desire to be known. A drive. Not to be famous or recognized. The drive is primal. I don’t want to die and not have the thoughts in my head written down somewhere. I have lived so much in my own mind I feel like I was never really known. How I felt about people, places, things. That I had a deep inner life yet I barely communicated it.

Keeping this site public at least gives the opportunity to discover. I don’t feel comfortable marketing or screaming look at me. I will package these in some form of book. Not that anyone reads books.

I have always had a creative streak. Since 2017 I legitimately tried to start my own consulting coaching business. I didn’t succeed but I am proud I tried. Now the domains are coming do and other subscriptions. I am blessing them and letting them go. I think about what I wrote last night about producing. That really resonates with me. With the job interviews and sex I was selling myself. They are not productive or safe but I didn’t have a positive place to put that energy. These posts and putting them out there are selling me. I have not been a great guy but I might be learning something

The funny thing about anxiety is I always believed it was caused by the stress of a job and having to do what I don’t like. I am anxious now and I don’t have to go anywhere or do anything.

Writing down thoughts as they come show just how contradictory emotions are. How the fuck do I function?

There are so many perfect endings in life. The problem is the camera just keeps rolling after the moment. I am fine with accepting the end of jobs, relationships and places. But then the script makes me have to continue on. I wish I could close out some stories. Bless them, release them, move on

I am transferring all these posts to a word document.

I harbor closing i have the discipline to edit these into a cohesive and engaging narrative. The move, job and the WIL move narrative along which is engaging. A lot of it is boring to read even for me!

This past month has been difficult. I have been stressed before. The last year and a half were stressful. Worried about work performance. Job security. This has moved into losing my marbles territory. When I am stressed I can cope. Isolate the problem. Breathe deep. Focus on something else. I can’t identify the enemy right now. I can’t find a through thread to keep me on target.

The last non negotiable was staying in Southern California until my daughter graduated high school. That is gone. Either this liberates me or sends me spinning out to orbit untethered.

I dreamt about the WIL last night. I was sitting in the basement of the house in wyoming. The television was on. I heard the rocks shuffling outside the storm well. I looked at the WIL was there. I kissed her face and told her how much I missed her. I said over and over I love her. She barely moved. Then she said she had to go and walked away. I didn’t even care she was indifferent. I was ecstatic to see her. Feeling euphoric I wanted to text her, call her and deconstruct the time together. I became despondent when I realized I couldn’t reach out to her.

My wife asked me about the WIL yesterday. It is awkward when your wife asks you about another woman. She asked if I heard from her or talked to the WIL.

When the WIL’s husband found out about us he reached out to my wife. Very awkward to have your wife talk to the husband of another woman. I promised my wife I would tell her if I talk to the WIL. There is no reason to hide it. Hiding it makes it seem wrong. I am sorry I hurt my wife. I am sorry I caused her husband pain. But I do not regret loving the WIL. I do not feel guilt or shame. I can only do what is best now.

That being said I am an emotional wreck. This will be a recurring theme for a while…

My mind is spinning like crazy but I wanted to start getting this down.

On the walk this morning I pondered the desire to be the great dad/provider versus the desire to pursue passion and honor the inner child me. I wrestled because I feel a strong pull in both directions. Even though I have not had much success in either direction, but that is another story…

Then I realized one thing about being a hospice chaplain.

I had balance. I could see myself in both those lights at the same time. The job for my skills better. I worked for a good company with good benefits. I had decent pay. I could do an above average job with part time effort.

That allowed me times to ponder life. To write. To envision myself as an artist.

As I was walking I started to get nostalgic. there are only so many morning left to take the walk. Never mind that the walk was born out of necessity. I couldn’t go to the gym any more. Now it is a finite commodity. I was getting sentimental.

But I thought about yesterday. How relieved I was to be leaving. The number one value of Phoenix is not the job or the city. It is breaking the frames. The frame of super provider. Of ultra success. Of tireless goal achiever. if nothing else Phoenix and what it represents allows me to pursue balance again.

I need to be disciplined. stay focused. Letting my mind go, feel every single emotion and pursue every thread is destructive. When I started my MBA I learned early I couldn’t hustle my way to peace. Meaning I couldn’t find peace by manically working. I would never finish. There would always be more work. I would just ground myself down.

The same is true of my thoughts and emotions. I can’t feel everything. I can’t think my way to peace. I have to be mindful. Realize the things I must work on. Release those I can’t resolve. Some thoughts can’t be resolved peacefully. I put them in the stream and let them flow. To keep pondering is maddening. And will destroy me

Yesterday was so powerful. The narrative thread that is going to make this move successful is the end of the nine years and leaving Southern California. That aspect brings me joy.

Now I can not remember what I wrote or what I just thought.!This might be redundant

Everyone is aware of the move. There is excitement, anxiety, sadness, disappointment. There is not one decision that will please everyone. Looking back on the joy of yesterday and the relief of leaving. That opportunity for a new perspective. This I best for me. I must be strong. Focused and they will trust me. Lead by example