Of course that also means I have to tell them I got laid off from my other job. Four weeks from laid off to another offer. But will ultimate be 9 or ten weeks without a paycheck.

I am so secretive and hiding shit. It is second nature. I have built my defenses up. I hide embarrassing news. I hide my love for the WIL. I keep wanting to reach out to her and o naturally come up with ways to talk to her in code. Forgetting that I am not hiding it any more. Fuck it is annoying and exhausting

I need to tell my family about Phoenix. Today really. I didn’t get the offer letter so o am hesitant. No reason why. It doesn’t really matter. It I would like to get the offer signed so I can do the background and drug screen. Then I need to drive out there, look at the office and find a place to live. I need to sell my truck and pay for the move. All to get out there by my birthday and start the job that Monday. Three weeks are going to go fast.

If you met me you probably wouldn’t like me. Maybe ten years ago. I am very quiet and withdrawn. I don’t talk much. I don’t have deep knowledge about any topics. I have no hobbies.

I used to speak in depth about big topics, spirituality, death, hospice. Even for a time sales strategy business strategy and theory. Now I just grunt and nod. There is no passion to speak for a long time. Everything feels like it has been said and adds up to nothing.

If I have had a drink I might open up more. Let my guard down and speak a little more but now when I take something seriously I am self conscious. I miss having something to say and believing in something

I am anxious and cannot concentrate. I have a lot of things to do but cannot seem to prioritize them.