7am. I am constantly vulnerable. I feel fragile. Like any moment a stray thought could break me. I don’t want to feel vulnerable. How do I address this? Do I acknowledge the feeling? Bless it and let it go? Do I acknowledge all the thoughts that fly like rocks through the air? Try to deflect, avoid or absorb them? Or do I steel my mind to think only positive thoughts? Grit my teeth and ignore negativity?

6:30am My mind is constantly bombarded with thoughts of fear, failure and disappointment. I am consciously aware of the situation. I choose not to overthink. I see the thoughts. I acknowledge them. I let them fall away.

11:48pm What is real? What is true? Is there a direct causal relationship between feelings and experience? Am I a victim or is my perception flawed? Do I put myself in situations where I set myself up for failure? If I am given the opportunity do I take it?

Objectively part of my problem are results. I take jobs that are results oriented. Sales, operations. They are also jobs that require a skill set that fall under “office politics.” the ability to maneuver around situations where your value is questioned. Even challenges. Regardless of results. In my first and last job in California both organizations were at all time highs for census and revenue. The first I was the director of sales. The last the executive director. Results were not the problem. My value to the organization, my contribution, were challenged. I failed to position myself as integral.

This job will be a results position. The program is not in good shape. There is not a clear direction from lack of consistent leadership. There are financial issues. Whether the program thrives, gets turned around, will reflect on my ability and worth to the company.

Funny how my default setting is to be morose and feel sorry for myself. It is like a drug. So easy to get a high from feeling sad and moping

6:26pm. Finished day one of work. Came home, ate dinner, thinking about going for a walk. First day was fine. Non descript. I have had too many first days. Since leaving the chaplaincy I have had first days of work in 2009, 2010, 2011, twice in 2012, 2014, 2016, 2017, twice in 2018, 2019, 2020, and now 2021. That is 13 first days in in less than 11 years and four months. I am numb. I feel a sense of pride that I met the challenge after the shitty start to the year. That I was able to get another job, stay mentally focused, handle the logistics of moving to a new place. The drive home was relaxing. Enjoyable in a new place. But nothing means anything. What am I trying to accomplish? How long can I stay? Do I stay? the dirt day, the first two months of the last job went well. I was going to stay and get my daughter through school. I feel nothing. I am not sad. I am not optimistic. I don’t have dread but I also don’t have happiness. I am just going through the time.

Record scratch sound effect. have to catch myself. I write my narrative. If I am going to be morose then that is all I will get. If I don’t control the situation and change the narrative all I will get is all I have ever gotten. I am a strong dynamic leader.

12:45pm interesting observation. After about 3 hours with people my mind starts to wander. Like I am floating away. I want to keep engaging with people but it is hard to focus. And I start yawning. Big gulping yawns. And I can’t stop. I used to interpret that I was tired. But I am not sleepy. I don’t want to take a nap. I had a good rest last night. But the yawns keep happening and my concentration Peter’s out. I am not sure what is going on. I am hungry. Maybe eating will help. It isn’t a fatigue thing. At least not sleepy. It isn’t a caffeine thing.

I don’t want to rest. I don’t want to be alone. I definitely don’t want to analyze or overthink. I want to be engaged and productive

As a i leader I set the tone for how people will behave. I set the emotional tenor of the day. How the office operates. What is considered important. Our attitude about success. Having seen leadership in various capacities and been a leader I know it is enormous responsibility. The attitude and success of the branch is a direct reflection on me. I start this new job fully aware of the situation and expectations.

7:49am arrived at work. On to the next adventure.

7:25am leave the apartment for work

6:49am Seven weeks ago I woke up, did my morning routine and got ready for work. It was the first work day of the new year. I drove to the office collected my things and walked in the door. I was geeeted by the hr director. She informed me I had been laid off. it was my ninth job in nine years. I was barely holding things together. The job was my redemption narrative, a new beginning and stability to see my daughter through school the next five years.

Over the course of the last seven weeks I have dealt with the most mental and emotionally traumatizing experiences I have ever felt.

Now I am here. In Phoenix starting a new job. I reminded myself all night not to overthink. My mind is racing it wants to pull a million different thought, memories and emotions into the day. Even typing this takes me out of the energy I wish to be in. Focused. I came to do a job. To get right with work. To be an outstanding leader and employee. To be proud of who I am.

I’ve the last seven weeks I have choked on lonilines, free time, isolation overthinking. I have felt new beginnings and disappointment. But now is the time to get started. And to end this first batch of posts. I will publish it in some way. So there is a record of my experience.

Now I am off to shower and get ready.