8:36pm lights out. First day tomorrow. 7 weeks from bullshit to new life. New city. New job. This year has begun very interestingly

I find it so interesting how I dream about achieving great things but when the time comes to perform or work my energy gets all blocked up. I get nervous, anxious and scared. If I think about the book, writing and championship energy the channels open and the power flows. But I need to be cognizant or it starts to get blocked and back up inside me.

I noticed something peculiar. When I was in California I walked in my heels. I am looking to buy new shoes. The heels on my workout shoes are worn through. But on the walk this afternoon I found myself pushing off either the balls of my feet. The change in gait could be the result of engaging different muscles in the move. Or it could be a reflection of my attitude toward life.

Back in 2003 when we moved from California to Utah I framed becoming the chaplain like an actor getting a part that shot on location in Ogden. That concept carried through for years. I loved imagining since I went to California to act in the first place that was how I envisioned my new opportunity. With this move I picture being an athlete, a basketball player that was traded from Los Angeles to Phoenix. On the Los Angeles team I was a bench player that never had a defined role. In Phoenix I am the go to star of the team. I have championship energy.

Turning off the inner dialogue is important. I find the energy flowing through me, feeling free and light. Then I note I am doing it. I step outside of the experience and become an observer. That is when I lose my concentration and the energy stops flowing. Introspection kills championship energy. There will be time to reminisce in the future.

Th other thing I do is treat each day as a challenge to be endured so I can get the payoff if feee time. Lockdown has shown me that feee time alone is terrible. I have had too much of it. My problem is I indulge my two hobbies when I have free time. Over thinking and over drinking. I don’t need to struggle through life to isolate myself and go insane. I need to be me and help other people. Be a part of a team.

I had a small epiphany last night while I was dancing and singing in the mirror that I think is actually significant.

A little adjustment in my thinking led me to believe the time I really am on stage as it were is when I am working. At the job. As the leader. The energy I envision or desire singing in the mirror is the energy of working or doing a job. I just always want it to feel magical. But doing a job, performing in front of people is work. I have acted, performed musically and worked. There is always anxious anticipation before doing something. I am curious when it became so negative?

I remember getting ready for the state baseball tournament when I was young and being so excited I could sleep. I was a opus but in a good way. Flash forced to preaching and one of the reasons I stopped was because Saturday’s before preaching wer unbearable. I would be so worried, nervous that the layoff wasn’t with the stress. In high school when we played as a band I could wait to be on stage and sing. Now I am stressed before going to work on Monday. It is interesting how the energy is interpreted. The point is I am 49 now. There is no value in day dreaming or wishing for someday. My time to stand in front of people for real is now. Be that as a counselor, a writer, a leader.

10:38am drive out to Tucson this morning. Looked at place I used to work and stay. Brought back pleasant memories. 2014 and 2015 were the years when California actually worked. I felt secure in my job, made enough money and felt happy. I left the job because there was a change in the operations person. I didn’t think we would get along. And I had been burned in the two previous jobs with similar changes. I wanted a job that I appreciated. That didn’t end badly. So I left for a similar position with another company. That job needed up being the first time I was laid off. Who knows how things would have gone if I stuck it out. They sold the Tucson building before I left. They had a building in Ogden and sold that as well. I made the decision I thought was best at the time. That is all I can do. Just weird to remember a happy time in California. My daughter kindergarten to second grade. Her running track, in her little private church school. I remember going up to the biosphere and texting the WIL goofy pictures. Stopping at a sporting goods store to buy a shirt and pants to coach my daughters track team. The WIL and I bantering back and forth. So many sad memories of the WIL the past theee years and especially the last year. To remember when we were happy and friends and texted all the time. to remember a moment when we seemed to be doing alright. The first two years in California were rough. Then stability. Then rough again. 2016 through 2020. Basically five years weee tough. I knew I didn’t want to be a sales manager any more. I tried my own thing and really blew my savings and got into debt. I need to be stable and strong these next five years. Lay a foundation in Phoenix for my daughter, my mom, my wife. Everyone that needs support and stability as much as I do.

6:51am woke up feeling fragile, vulnerable, untethered. I am the author of my script. I choose how the protagonist looks at things and reacts. I. Hoods happiness. Triumph.

If I fall in the trap of thinking things need to improve I will be miserable. always wanting to do better has pushed me out of homes and jobs. I can improve. But I am not going to look at home, city or jobs as the variables. I will improve my relationships, my writing, my value to family and friends.

2:23am has a dream I visited my dad. He was saying how much he liked Dana Point. How he wanted to come visit. I told him I was moving to Phoenix. He lived just above a family that was releasing a bunch of ceremonial balloons. I looked and aaw it was the WIL ‘s family. She was easing a fashionable tan outfit. She looked beautiful. Laughing smiling. Holding a small child.

I feel very weird. Like I have been exiled from Dana point. the aversion is so strong internally and externally. it is like the magnet has been turned m. The poles reversed. I want to feel nostalgia, longing. But the pain of the last few months have burned me. Usually when I see it say though words it is trying to be strong against emotions of the opposite. But this is truly a barrier. My wife and daughter are still there but I feel forced out. And Phoenix will be hot. I went for a walk today. There was a breeze. It was in the low 70’s temperature wise. And the sun was very warm. I kept thinking “if this is what 70 with a breeze feels like, what will it be like when it is 40-50 degrees hotter?”

I had a good night last night. Listening to music, dancing around in the mirror. Excited about finishing this first group of posts, book. Starting work. Meeting new people. Now I am coming down a little. I keep thinking this is my third night here. But it is only my second. This blow up bed is not comfortable. And I am using old pillows from storage.

These posts have narrowed down to two people who the audience is. My wife and the WIL. Those are the two main people I imagine reading them and judging me. To my wife I feel like a disappointment. That she has put up with me. To the WIL, she has my heart and soul. She is married. But she comes from a culture of polygamy. Horny gross men that had 50+ wives and used religion to molest children. The WIL has two husbands. The man she is married to and me. I am abstinent and will remain so for her. What is good enough for fuck face men is good enough for my amazing goddess. She is the most powerful confident woman I have ever seen and I love her with all that I am.

To my wife. Coming to Arizona has made me appreciate that you have stuck with me in some capacity. I let you down. But I appreciate the gifts you have and brought to my life. I don’t know what tomorrow will be like or if either of you still need me. Want anything to do with me. I take for granted your talents and your strengths. You have always been there for me. Supporting me. No matter how crazy my idea or action you stuck with me. You deserved a husband that honored you completely. I wish I could have been that for you.

My existence is defined by the women in my life. My wife. My daughter. My mom. The WIL.

I want to say a word about my mom. She is a strong independent woman. She has always been involved in politics. She was the Democratic Party chair as the wife of the Missouri synod Lutheran minister in rural gerauld county South Dakota. My early memories weee being five years old and throwing peanuts off a parade float for Jimmy carter. She was the chair for the party in Pennington county. The second largest county in the state. She was on the ticket as the Secretary of State cadidtate. 1980. That loss had her out of politics for a while. She got back in for her late 50’sin wyoming. She served in the house and was the minority floor leader. She served inthe senate. She served on the governors community college board. She was on the city council. My mom is a bad ass. I miss her and appreciate she lives with me the last theee months.

Anyway, I wanted to make record of my thoughts. No one is going to be pleased or impressed with this narrative. But that is how my life is viewed.

“I am not the man they think I am at home…rocket man, burning out his fuse up here alone.” Elton John