6:10pm. Listening to Elton John, tiny dancer, rocket man. There is something peaceful and reassuring about having perspective from the high point of life. That is being the chaplain 2003 through 2007. Up until 2008. That period of time haunted me for 13 years. Now that there is more perspective. The nine years of Southern California, the leaving. The new beginning. I can find solace. It was a beautiful time. But times in life are like flowers blooming. The bud, they bloom, then they die. That time as the chaplain will always be the most special and glorious. But one has occurred since then. It is still just a bloom. I have had others. And I will have more. Continuing the cycle until I pass from this earth

Not much going on. 5:12pm. In the apartment alone. Not agitated, just mellow. Took a nap, watched a little bit of a movie, went for another walk. Checked out the gym at the complex. I should be able to get resistance training in which will be nice.

I keep going back to the mantra that I am here for work and work alone. That is the priority. I was concerned about other things and my work ethic slipped to unsustainable levels. I was a bad employee. I was in the wrong line of work as well. I believe I can be a strong and effective leader. That is my calling here in Arizona. I will fulfill my responsibilities and trust family, house, budget and savings will fall in place accordingly

This is a hard post to write but does my energy feel restored because I am not being a dad? If my daughter were here or we were together in Dana Point my energy would be different. I would just be hanging out, killing time. But here, by myself I think of different stores to go to, trips I could take, things to explore. I would rather be with my daughter any time and would always choose her. But I cannot deny I approach the day differently when she is not here.

12pm noon. Sitting in my car in front of the office. My new boss sent me a welcome arrangement of fruit. I told her it was extr special because it is my birthday.

I cannot get over how my energy flows so much better here. I am tempted to try and analyze my failure. Figure out a way to have this in California. I must release that time in my life. I appreciate it and celebrate the positive memories but I am a better person here. And healthier.

I went to starvixks and got my free sandwich. Then I went to Panera. They had a few pastry and a free cookie for me! Drive out to time my drive to the new office. It is about 15. Might be more with commute time.

I feel like the old me. The Utah me. The best version of me. The one I kept trying to recapture since I have been in California. I have to realize how much of a blessing and gift Arizona is. How much I appreciate the new job. And a boss I really feel I connect with. I want to help her be successful. I want to be successful for my team and my family.

I read a story by Will Leitch. I subscribe to his newsletter. How he talks about matoon Illinois reminds me of my hometown Evanston wyoming. A lot of similar energy and I feel we have some common world views. He was describing his experience with lockdown last year. As I read the information I started to cry. I wasn’t in a great place before lockdown. And lockdown just ratcheted up the bad mental tendencies I have. Arizona feels like a new beginning. Old habits and a bad year are wiped clean. I can have fresh experiences. I am reborn

8:23am. Went to bed around 9pm. woke up at two with a headache. The air is very dry. And I encountered a lot of dust from two days of moving. Feeling a little better. Walked about a mile down to the grocery store with a Starbucks. Bought some lotion for my hands and a giant coffee. I miss my coffee maker. I miss having two coffee shops within easy walking distance. I miss the cool morning air. And I miss hills.

Today is my birthday. I almost forgot until I saw it in my phone. I miss my daughter. Saturday’s are our days. With her getting older and covid we don’t do much but we get to hang out and be together.

On the walk to get coffee my mind came up with a bunch of reasons why Dana Point didn’t work. In the end the results didn’t add up. I ran out of money. I could not borrow any more. I could have used more retirement. But the situation became desperate. My mental health slipped. I had no job. No prospect for a job and no belief I could have a mutually beneficial relationship with an employer.

I needed to be removed from the situation. Like going to boarding school or a treatment center. My behavior was destructive and I could not change it.

Today Arizona feels like an extension of utah. Like I have been sent back down to triple A. I am not complaining. I was happiest in utah and felt I performed best there. I can focus on work. Have stable income. Buy a house. I lament my failure in Southern California. I guess I lasted nine years. That I something to be proud of. But as a father who set out to make it my daughters home. To provide stability I failed.

I was thinking back to when I turned thirty 19 years ago. How eager I was to experience the world and find my place. How that first move to California led to utah, then back to California. With every move I saw life as a game. I was searching for the perfect, or at least maximum, existence. The best house, car, job, money women, sex. The total experience. Having come full circle and back in familiar energy with the Arizona/Utah parallel I realize life is just a series of vignettes. There is no perfection. My insistence there was led me to keep searching and feeling empty. Today on my 49th birthday, in a new town, getting ready to start a new job I release the quest to find the perfect life. I am just a guy. A dad. Husband. Father. Son. Employee who lives in Arizona works as a hospice director. That is the role I was given. I will be the best at my given role as long as I can. Please go’s let it be a long time. I am tired of running. And I honestly never want to have to go through the process of getting a job again

There is enough stimulus and things to do to occupy my mind. I start work on Monday. It has been healthy so far. I need to stay busy and engaged so I don’t overthink and cycle

2:45am. Sitting on a bench in my new apartment in Arizona. When I moved to Southern California I needed a fresh start. After 9 years in utah I wanted to experience something different. In Southern California there was a feeling of being on permanent vacation. I know it sounds cliche but it was true. No one had more claim to legacy or roots than the next person. We weee all transient. enjoying the moment until we left and the next person took our place. I appreciated that energy because utah was the opposite. Utah had many people claiming being a more authentic resident because of time spent living there.

Nine years went by in a blink. I love Southern California but I am tapped out. After nine years in utah I owned a house, I had savings, pension, retirement, food healthcare benefits and no debt except for a couple years of truck payments. I feel after nine years Arizona will be the same. But nine years of Southern California? I could never own a house. I dealt with escalating rent. Blew all my savings, most of my retirement and am deep in unsecured debt. I had nine jobs and never felt secure except in one. I was the common denominator in all of them. I take responsibility. But I also know it was who I became living out there. That was not a great version of me. I had ring out all my positive energy from utah and needed to leave. The same has happened to Southern California. I am sure in time I will feel the need to leave Arizona. The life cycle of a relationship with place is interesting. You see it be born. Full of hope and wonder. You engage with the people, culture, lifestyle. You discover the things you enjoy. What brings you happiness. Pride. You also discover the thing that irritate. Frustrate. Over time the relationship begins to stale. The frustrating things pile up. You get anxious. There are no new discoveries to be had. You try to reinvent yourself and your approach to gain the spark again. But after a couple of attempts you realize the only way to feel alive is to be reborn somewhere els with a whole new perspective. I am in Arizona now. This is my new beginning. Southern California is the place that has lived and died. Joining utah.

I removed the job app from my phone. No more hooking up in the employment sense. Sick energy. I need to be grounded and job monogamous

Made it in around two. Started unloading. Went to the store. Back now at 6:22pm

I almost forgot to post this. Funny how coming out of a stressful mental situation all of the sudden the sky clears. I forgot what it was like when it was raining. Actually I realize how depressed I have been for the last three and a half years. I tried to change in place but coukdnt. Then I realized how depressed I have been that we could never get out of apartments. Never have stability, income to buy a house. Already buying seems so easy here. There are options in every price range. Finally I realize how doeesssing it was living in a shitty apartment for nine years. This apartment is relatively new so it feels fresh. No mold, dampness or outdated fixtures.

I talked with my new boss. I really like her. I am trying to be a more open and friendly person. Trusting. She has a social work background like I have a chaplain background. I trust her because to be a social worker rakes an extraordinary heart. If I work hard for her she will have my back.

I am going to relax, watch some movies, drink a beer and then sleep. I have a couple more things I need to get tomorrow. So I will head to the store and do some exploring.

The focus this year is on work. I have tried to will my way to being a good employee. I have tried searching for perfect opportunities. Neither of those have worked particularly well. I need help. I need a good situation that accepts me for my strengths and limitations. And I need to realize when I have found such a situation to hold on and stay engaged.