Moving day. On the road 6:30am. Not overwhelmed but excitement seems to turn inward so I have chose to disassociate. Hitting coffee shop then on the road. I did a pretty bad job with the tarp. Hope the load is secure

8:54am made it to palm desert. Got news my unemployment will be paid. That will help with expenses. Huge break.

1:34am still in bed thinking I struggle to reconcile my tendency to isolate with my desire to succeed. I default to being alone and introspective. Dreaming about being engaged and successful. If I am engaged and successful I don’t get to spend time savoring the accomplishment. If I don’t accomplish anything I spend my alone time brooding over failure.

12:21am laying in bed. Dinner was nice. A little weird amongst all the moving boxes. We hadn’t gotten cake so all of us including the dog liked in the car to get ice cream. So much energy yesterday was about leaving. Tomorrow night (or later tonight actually) will be about establishing a new place. I pray. Please god, I need a new way to look at work, employment, relationships, personal/professional. There are many things I loves about Southern California but I did not achieve anywhere near acceptable results in relationships. I want to give move. Share my talents. Receive support and love.

I will be in a completely new place. I want to be a new man.

4:09pm resting on the couch. Been packing the truck for the initial trip to Arizona tomorrow. didn’t do a great job but took a bench, chair, blow up bed and a book case so I will have some furniture. I didn’t use all the space very well. Have to throw some last minute things in, secure the load. Then be ready to head out tomorrow morning. I need to leave early enough to pick up the keys but I don’t need to get out too early.

Feeling numb. Doesn’t feel like I am moving. More like going on a trip. I have had anxiety all day about the job. I feel so fucking damaged. My self worth is trash.

We are ordering pizza. The wife and my daughter are going to come over and celebrate my birthday tonight.

There are a lot of psychological land mines hidden in memories of California. I realize how traumatized I have become. I must remember the cleave and a new start.

Arizona has a lot of utah energy. My flow is positive. As much as I tried I could never get on top of California. Reclaiming my strength and pride is priority one.

What should the article be about? I want to help people. Reaching out with article will help. Not worrying about money or career. Not about achieving anything or being anything. Just taking what I have been through and giving a gift. Saying it is written by me, spiritual counselor mdiv mba

Wrong career what to do when you made a wrong career choice mental illness anxiety depression sex addiction. I am screaming to connect with people either the blog, th book, articles

A new energy has been over me for the last twelve hours. Everything is flowing through me. Am I am at peace and energized. Not all the time but definitely much more than before. I can’t believe how mentally vulnerable I was just last month. Last week. I am scared of it returning. I am scared I don’t know how to act when I am positive and happy and will try and will my way back to misery.

Today is my last day living in Dana point. I will still come back and complete the process of the move over the next few weeks but this is goodbye as a citizen. There is nothing to say. I am not mad. I am not sad. After all the struggle, passion and commitment it is time to let go. I feel Dana point letting me go and I am leaving thankful for the experiences but also thankful for new opportunities

Thinking about pride, success, title. If I could have any title and want to be something I want to be “counselor”

What am I looking for? What would be success to me? I don’t know. Waking up being proud of who I am, what I do and what I have accomplished. Pride. I was a success as a hospice chaplain because I was proud of who I was, what I did and what I had accomplished. I blessed and released chaplaincy. I don’t need to go back. But I have not been proud of work in some time. On a macro level my identity is I am my daughters father. When I think of her I am proud of who I am what I do and what I have accomplished. I love my daughter more than anything. When I look back at this time I will say clearly that was who I was meant to be. But in the time, right now, I didn’t expect my work, finances and living situation to collapse around that love and identity. That has been a bummer. I am proud I am her father. But my failure in all those other areas embarrasses me. How can my daughter be proud of me if I can’t function in life? Take care of her? Provide for her? Be in the same state as her? In the last post I mentioned how I was obsessively self centered. On some levels that is true. But on other levels I am more giving of the little social energy I have. I just give it all to my daughter. If I have a limited resource I have to spend it wisely. My ability to interact with people is valued but in short supply. I don’t mind. I am an introvert. While I like being with people it drains me. I need a fair amount of time to recharge after even short social interactions. That is why it might be best to be in Arizona alone for a while. Live a monastic life. Work, apartment sleep. No other activities. It kills me to say that but I need to focus on balancing my entire being or I am going to destroy myself and be of no use to my daughter or anyone for that matter

1:30am in bed I am extremely self centered and inner focused. To the point it is obsessive behavior. And detrimental to keeping a job. Or having meaningful relationships.

I thought about the article I mentioned. To really write something valuable I need to research, share information, other viewpoints. Other opinions. If I research I get overwhelmed. I latch onto one kernel of information and roll it around in my head for hours. Days. Even losing the other persons intent or larger focus. Meaning one sentence could trigger in me a train of thought that goes well away from the other persons viewpoint or opinion.

My question: this is a behavior that has negative consequences. It has cost me jobs, relationships, money. But I can’t stop doing it. By definition that is an addiction. Look at these posts. I have written over 50,000 words, hundreds of posts. How many sentences start with I or me? How many involve other people? Except to mention them in passing or they are two dimensional characters mentioned because they are in my thoughts, not necessarily because I spent meaningful time with them. I have always been introverted. Enjoyed time alone more than with people. But I have lost balance.

I need to start working. That will help immensely. This has been way too much time alone with myself. No one will be happier to go sit in an office than me next week and actually talk with people other than my own inner dialogue

The anxiety and depression didn’t boil over tonight. So weird. Like I am on medication but I am not. Not being consumed with either feels strange . Like having the hiccups for a long time. I got used to being out of whack. I don’t know how to act when I am not dealing with crisis. Abnormality. Fear,overwhelming anxiety has been so present it is my normal. Crazy. Why do I do with peace and contentment!!