Daydreaming I contemplated what I truly want to do. Take these posts. Narrow the focus, create articles. Presentations.

It is almost 7pm. I haven’t been compelled to write anything. Good or bad. Weird feeling. Dog came to visit while wife and daughter shopped for my birthday. Daughter was dressed up, wearing earrings, hair done. She seemed genuinely excited about her appearance. So different even from last week! And she is excited about seeing her new room in Arizona. I am eager to get there to start setting it up for her. Send her video of her space. Give her a chance to decorate it.

Time to leave. Not much hope for transcendence any more. Just trying to find a peaceful place to exist. Put on an honest effort. Be accepted for who I am. I tried to conquer the world. I have been humbled. The last theee posts were written between 2:20pm and 2:35pm

I am sad today. You can be doing the right thing. Doing what you need to and still be sad. Joining the army, going to college. Deploying. Leaving is hard no matter what

Today has even strangely peaceful. The anxiety has not boiled over, just simmered. Went to the store with my mom. Able to talk candidly about how depressed I have been during lockdown. Accepting the final days of Dana point are winding down. Tomorrow is the day we will celebrate my birthday. Doesn’t feel to celebratory. We will make do.

I expected as I got older things would be easier. That I would have confidence, assurance and could cruise to success in life. I worked hard at the last job before the layoff. I tried my best. I failed. I am terrified I am broken and even when I give my best effort I am going to rub people wrong. I can accept not being liked but it has created chaos and fear for my daughter. It has destroyed my finances. How did I become so unlike able people can’t wait to get rid of me?

There has always been dueling energy inside me. One is the desire to win. Compete and conquer. The other is to relax, let go. Rest. For the most part I just accepted each. I could find balance between the two. Lately I am scared of the rest part because now death seems like rest. Rest equates to depression. Rest means letting my guard down and losing my job. I am scared of failure again

I don’t think I fully appreciate the magnitude of the situation I am in. I need to be nicer to myself.

I lost the relationship I cherished more than any besides my daughter February 17. Her husband hates me. I broke my wife’s heart again. The woman I love just disappeared from my life. The lockdown took away pretty much any enjoyment of life. My wife daughter and dog moved out the same day I ended a job I had been at little over a year September 25. I started a new job with significantly increased responsibility October 5. My mom had a major accident October 30. She was re hospitalized November 4. I drove out to see her in wyoming/utah. She came to live with me in November 16. That is just 2020.

Then the real fun began.

I go to work the first business day of January (January 4) and hr is waiting for me with a layoff notice. I had been at the job three months. I was the fucking director. I have no money. I wasn’t making ends meet. I took out $12,000 in unsecured debt December 30. That was going to get me by with a paycheck. I got a small severance and negotiated a portion of a bonus. In four weeks I got a job. It is out of state. The last theee weeks have been preparing to move and get ready to start a new job. While my mom is doing her rehabilitation. I have to be six hours from my daughter. I am overwhelmed trying to get out of my home for the last five years. The city I have lived in for nine years. Secure a new place and be a good employee. All while I have the worst job record and have failed repeatedly to hold employment. No wonder I am breaking down. And I am better than I was in January.

A large part of my narrative, anyone’s narrative is how the family struggled, how rough life was, how parents failed. It is the struggle that yiu rise above. It is just part of life that you see your parents as broken people that you strive to be better than.

I no longer have the illusion I am doing a great job as a parent. Or that I have a plan. I am scrambling to just hold it together and get her through high school.

I am sad for failing more than leaving. This past year in lockdown I have had more than enough of this house. And I need new perspective and energy. I don’t have nostalgia for this place. Lockdown has turned Southern California muted grey. I just need to move on and reshuffle to a new life