I went out and did marketing on my own today.I like marketing when the energy is not direct. Marketing as a chaplain. As a director. Marketing as a marketer is garbage

On the drive to work the radio hosts were discussing the most searched drinks in every state. They mentioned Utah was a lime Rickey. Those are what the WIL and I drank on days we would spend together. Ice, grape soda, lemon lime soda, lime juice, vodka.

6:30am sleep was restless last night. I am not surprised. I have a stressful situation with a person at work. Until that is resolved I will feel uneasy. I dreamt about domestic terrorists trying to board a bus at a popular amusement park. They were fun over, shot and electrocuted with devices that looked like shock collars for dogs. I woke up at 1:30am and went back to sleep and had another dream about someone trying to forcefully enter a bus and was turned away violently. I dreamt I went to see the WIL at her house. She was indifferent to me. Her husband came downstairs and shot me eight times in the stomach. I drove myself to the hospital. I didn’t die. The dream just ended.

I continue to worry about job security. I fear I will sabotage the situation even if it is good.

Change the script: I am the leader. I am the best. I am in control. I am strong. Confident and powerful.

7:23pm I got out of the habit of writing at night. I usually get home at six, eat, then call my mom and daughter. After that I am tired. I also feel like I connected with people so the need to be heard is not as great. Been thinking about the WIL a lot. I always think of her

“Sometimes in my head, I can still see pictures of you. And I laugh to myself when I think of all the crazy things we used to do…”

Poison, I won’t forget you

On another lap around the property 11:28am the way I am approaching life and work right is now exactly where I thought I would be ten years ago. I am doing the same job I first had in April of 2011. I hypothesized when I felt my time being the chaplain was winding down that I would take a couple months to relax. I would get bored then do something else and embrace the challenge. The timeline was almost correct except for the decade long interim.

Going for a quick walk around the building at work to stretch my legs. 10am. Started thinking about my grandparents. Council bluffs, Omaha, Fremont, minneola, pickstown, wessington springs. Spearfish, rapid city. Iowa, Nebraska, South Dakota. I spent so many years hungry for adventure. To know what was around the bend. I seldom stop to remember where I was. Where I came from. Nice to remember my grandparents. My brother and I were close to them growing up. We enjoyed going over to there house. Playing Yahtzee and skunk on school breaks when we were in college. Nice to have a different emotion and feeling about something else

Addendum 11:45am I knew my paternal grandfather more than my maternal. Actually I barely knew my maternal grandfather. They lived in Indiana and then he moved to Maryland before he died. I was 5. My mom doesn’t speak highly of him. Not that he was a bad guy. I don’t think she thought much of him as a father. But the way he approached his career is more like me. He would only stay four years or less in a calling. My mom was born in Michigan, moved to Illinois then Oklahoma, Missouri and Kentucky. By the time she finished college her parents moved to Indiana. Of course he was in ministry. I was in sales.

For the record I don’t miss sales at all. And frankly see the time as doing it as subjecting myself to abuse. I learned from my time in sales. Throw the pressure on them. Our referral volume has shrank. But I am not owning it. I sent a message to my boss and the area sales person the reasons we are slow and what we are doing. But I made it clear that the responsibility is on the sales manager and we expect his help. It only took a decade of setting myself up to be the fall guy to learn that.

6:21am nothing seems permanent or perfect. Not Utah, not California. The WIL, my daughter, my marriage. So much has changed so often the last six months. My wife and daughter moved out. I was taking a week off before starting a new job. I bought a car. My mom fell and went to the hospital. Then came to live with me. I lost that new job. I got another new job. I moved to another state. Arizona is good. I am in a good place. 2021. Arizona. This apartment. This job. I focus only on those constants.

For my own sanity and something to do, especially on weekends, I will pull themes from these posts and create more robust articles or entries. 300 words? 500? 1000?

10:12 at work. Yesterday afternoon felt like I a climbed a mountain. I reached an apex. With all the chaos of the first quarter of 2021 things have slowed down. I found a new job. A new place to live. I have completed the move. What do I focus on now? Having been in such a high pressure situation it is hard to get in a repetitive groove. Now life is showing up everyday. Putting in time. Nine weeks from this coming Thursday is the end of school for my daughter. That is the only real milestone on the horizon. Not much will change whether I stay here one week, one month, one year, one decade.

The experience of the past three months reminds me of working industrial construction at the cement plant in Croydon, Utah. My best friend recruited me to be a local hand the day before the job started. I geared up and worked intensely for four weeks and completed the job. 7am to 7pm seven days a week. This has been a 12 week intensive.

I like to turn my music up with my headphones and be a rock star in the mirror. Imagine the adoration of a enthusiastic crowd.

Going to work is that in real life. Getting dressed is preparing for the stage. Showing up is stepping up to the mic and performing. It is showtime.

I am strong. I am the leader. I am the center of attention. Smart. Charismatic. Make money