Dog

5:58am someone was in the gym when I finished my walk this morning. Decided to come back to the apartment to workout…

“You end up like a dog that’s been beat too much until you spend half your life just a cover in’ up” Bruce Springsteen born in the USA.

I am now almost three weeks into the job. The move is coming to completion. Time is slowing down. I am settling in.

My mind is searching for a winning narrative. I want consistency. Yet I feel uneasy. I anticipate failure. Abuse. The narrative I selected in the past does not work. I am falling into the story that almost killed me. That is the story where I was not good at sales. I accepted that fact. I blessed the time I tried and now was moving on. The narrative worked until the trapdoor sprung in January. Three months after the peaceful closure of the past I was dismissed more harshly, unexpectedly and early than even the most brutal sales job.

Now I approach a crossroads. Do I cleave the experience of the last job and reclaim that narrative or do I construct a new one? Since the failure of that narrative led me to the precipice of mental destruction I am inclined to jettison it. But that is easier said than done. A narrative springs from the circumstances around me. How I am treated. My perceived value. How I naturally do at my responsibilities with the talents I possess.

I am used to thinking in terms of months and weeks. Not years. Staying with one job and one company in one place is a reality I can’t grasp. On the flip side. For years I couldn’t grasp working in an office every day for nine hours. I had been so used to being in the field. Now I have adjusted.

Three weeks in I still feel like the dog that has been beat too much. but like when looking for a job. You don’t need to win them all. You just need one. If this job and company gives me stability I will take it. I don’t need stability in the past or worry about it in the future. I just need it for today.