Intimacy

I don’t think I will be intimate or have sex again. That is absurd to say. And unbelievable even a couple of months ago. But I really don’t care for anonymous shallow grinding with another person. I want intimacy. But I feel I climbed that mountain with the WIL. There is nothing left to discover. And I don’t know if I am a good person to be in a relationship with. Like jobs I tend to have brief experiences in relationships. And in reality if sexy doesn’t mean that much I am already married and have a daughter. Despite all the history I am still married to my wife. I don’t want to live with her again though.

I can’t daydream a future or a past that is magical. This is life. This is the moment. I was thinking of the early 2000’s on the walk this morning. Moving to Valencia. How alive I felt. Moving to Utah. The joy of committing from Evanston for a month. Then getting the apartment in Layton with my dog. I choose to dwell on that memory. I was wielding the Arizona cleaver. Refusing to think about basically 2008 forward. I either need to never think about it again or re write my script. The thoughts and subsequent feelings are absolut trash