Yesterday my daughter and I went to get bobo tea. The route we took and the time we took it reminded me of Saturday’s before the pandemic. When I would take her to music rehearsal. While she practiced I texted the WIL, went to the store or watched videos on my phone. The memory was good. Life before the big change. The lockdown really affected me. I tear up remembering how hard it was. The feeling that nothing mattered. That I could not do what I loved. Or the things I could do felt stale. life felt real again.
Since leaving Utah I felt I left the stage where I was a star. I haven’t felt that energy since coming to California. My energy has been retrospective. The WIL stayed behind, stayed in a starring role and I was on the periphery. The last time we were together she was asking if I had ever been with someone else. I could not have that conversation with her. I know she met someone else around 2017. That she emotionally stopped needing me many years ago. She still loved me in her way. She still spent time with me when I came around or reached out to her. But that glorious energy I so fell in love with was given to someone else. Me meeting someone new. Me finding a new starring role are the only remedy.
I feel California isn’t 100% closed. The last twelve weeks have been a whirlwind. Now that the energy is out of this house and the ride is slowing perspective changes. I like Arizona. Is it a new start, a new home, or a reprieve? I knew I needed to get out of Dana point for a while. I knew I needed to get out of this house. But am I permanently gone? My wife has six months on her lease in Dana point. I have a year in Arizona. how spring and summer play out will show what comes next.
mikemeyer949 