My new boss gave me a book when I started. Actually left a book on my desk. I have been meaning to read it. Just didn’t find the time. I had it in my bag. I started to thumb through it. The concept is simple. A book isn’t magical. It is a credential. Like having a degree. You have an MBA? Check. You have the credentials for certain jobs. You wrote a book? Check. You have the credentials to say you are knowledgeable on a subject. I know about anxiety attacks, self doubt. Lost love. Sex and intimacy

At the Phoenix airport. It feels a little unsafe to be flying. The lyft driver was coughing. Both of us were wearing masks. Not really enjoying the experience. The airport brings back memories of traveling for work. I haven’t seen the outside of the airport much but know the inside very well.

Last night memories of Utah started to pop in my mind. But I didn’t pursue a nostalgia high. I wasn’t in the mood. The question is what do I fill my time with? The memories are emotionally charged distractions. Gives me something to think about. You have to think about something

I don’t think I will be intimate or have sex again. That is absurd to say. And unbelievable even a couple of months ago. But I really don’t care for anonymous shallow grinding with another person. I want intimacy. But I feel I climbed that mountain with the WIL. There is nothing left to discover. And I don’t know if I am a good person to be in a relationship with. Like jobs I tend to have brief experiences in relationships. And in reality if sexy doesn’t mean that much I am already married and have a daughter. Despite all the history I am still married to my wife. I don’t want to live with her again though.

I can’t daydream a future or a past that is magical. This is life. This is the moment. I was thinking of the early 2000’s on the walk this morning. Moving to Valencia. How alive I felt. Moving to Utah. The joy of committing from Evanston for a month. Then getting the apartment in Layton with my dog. I choose to dwell on that memory. I was wielding the Arizona cleaver. Refusing to think about basically 2008 forward. I either need to never think about it again or re write my script. The thoughts and subsequent feelings are absolut trash

Funny that the same topic from this morning is still on my mind. I can’t go back to utah. I can’t get the WIL back. But the place, time, and memories of the job haunt me. My love for the WIL consumers me. She is in every thought I have. I haven’t seen her for almost a year and a half. I haven’t had any communication with her for over 13 months. But she runs through my blood. My owns neural tapestry. She lives in my heart. The more I try to deny the moment or the energy the stronger it grows.

I am cursed. I have been exiled from that which I love. I watch from the outside people live in my home.

The half life on the memories of utah are so strong they still block out every other experience. I am tired of worshipping a past I am no longer a part of. I don’t know the remedy. I suspect time. Or meeting someone else.

Change my script: I am energetic. Strong. Desired. Magnetic. I am a leader. I am the boss. I control my environment. peace radiates from me. Positivity.

I can build a home in Arizona. I found an energy I never had before with the boss energy. I still feel like I have a problem with commitment? Is that the word? The ability to stay in a situation. Be part of the solution. I am an experienced and trained leader. I have my mba. Yet I see how I get all excited and want to be wildly successful all the time. If things aren’t going great I feel like a failed and should leave. Or I deserve to be fired. I am a captain who took the wheel of the ship. I promise to see the vessel through the journey. But a static energy rumbles inside me. I always feel I am going to abandon ship or get pushed off. I marvel at leaders who stay at the helm through good and bad. That those who entrusted them to lead trust them when it is successful and when it is difficult.

I am physically and mentally drained by the first three months of 2021. I am thinking about flying to Orange County and bringing my car back. That way I don’t have to drive the truck back and forth again. I got it smog tested and registered last week. Today I am having it serviced. But it is a old truck.

This weekend is the last trip of the move. I am worried. Though I am exhausted I have been engaged in activity. That has kept me from overthinking. Which causes anxiety and drinking. This time next week will be a new reality. I am no longer half in Dana point half in Arizona. I am conflicted. My wife and daughter live there. I don’t have bad feelings. But I don’t believe there is really anything to go back to. I keep focusing on building a safe space in Arizona for everyone. For my mom, my daughter, my wife. Friends and extended family. I need to stay focused on the goal of buying a house and creating security.

All my emotional memories. The ones that pop in my head without effort are if utah. It is like the past nine years didn’t happen. I lived in that apartment in Dana point for five and a half years. My daughter grew up there. And yet it feels like leaving after a long vacation. I am broke tired and want to go home. Yet I don’t know where “home” is. Maybe after time Arizona will become home. Utah has happy memories but after so long there is no sense of home. My mom, family and houses are in wyoming. But wyoming is so fucking depressing I can’t even imagine going back. I am homeless. Morbidly all I think about as home is the plot next to my brother and dad in the cemetery in wyoming. I guess that will be home eventually

6:26am I know I mentioned this before but I still feel untethered. No matter what the chaos of work was the apartment (s) on the same street in Dana point was home. There was a place to return to. I have mixed emotions because I needed to get out of the current apartment but I have lost home base. Maybe that is how people always feel when they move. I always had wyoming or utah or Dana point. Now I feel adrift.

6;47pm no matter what I have or where I am I will want something else. If I stayed in Dana point I would want Arizona. If I had stability I would want adventure. If I had money I would want freedom. there is no “better” there is only different. And I long for what I love and don’t have.

I am sick of mourning what I perceived was lost so many years ago. That energy has dominated my existence for over a decade.