6:10am when I feel threatened (overwhelmed) I look to retreat. I catalog my shortcomings and all the reasons I fail. I look for a concept of home. A place I feel safe. I am in Arizona. It is new. It is the proving grounds. Dana point is almost gone. Utah has faded. Wyoming is the most home like now. Not to physically go back to. But mentally. When stressed. Check with me this afternoon. I will laugh at that sentence.

10:45pm have a meeting with an employee tomorrow morning. I do not look forward to it. My neural response is to be scared. Feel stressed. When I feel scared my reaction is to shut down and back down. This is a response that from this point forward I no longer choose. It has been cleaved.

Also, the cheap coffee pot I bought last month does not have an automatic shut off. It has been on since 6;30am.

7:07pm at home. The day didn’t get much better. Still anxious in a weird way. Went to an open house at one of the communities this afternoon. Talked to a 99 year old wwII vet. US Airborne but from Saskatoon Saskatchewan. nice to talk with someone without much social or professional pressure.

Daughter had a good first day at school. At lease my wife relayed that information. When I called my daughter she was busy playing an online game. She said she didn’t see anyone she knew or talk to anyone. I don’t know if that is true. She probably just wanted to get off the phone.

Reading an article in Salt Lake City weekly about retiring universalist Unitarian (or Unitarian Universalist) minister. makes me think of the road not taken. Tom Goldsmith, Rev. France Davis. Father Lincoln Ure. People I admired that were able to stay and minister in Utah. Makes me want to promote The Unaffiliated more. I am feeling small and frustrated. That usually creates a downward spiral to self pity. I am not going to indulge. But I am not going to waste energy trying to fight it. Going to go read. Go to sleep. Start over tomorrow

11:40am at work. I usually don’t have time to write at work. I am punchy this morning. Not sure why. I feel frantic. Distracted. Sent in information for car insurance. Set up truck registration. Figuring out health insurance. Today is the first day of school for my daughter in a year. She has done online for almost exactly a year. Maybe I am nervous for her. I am probably punchy because of the last post. Being honest about sex feels impossible. It is a house of cards. Reveal one truth and something collapses. Be completely honest and everything disintegrates. If I was honest my wife would hate me, my daughter would hate me. The WIL would hate me. And that is just the beginning. I would be ashamed and embarrassed

6:42am need a recap. I don’t think I can be completely free and honest with myself or anyone else for that matter until I truly let go of the WIL. I still desperately miss her. As long as I have hope or expectations I can’t be honest about love and relationships. Work I can be honest. but women, love sex, I am still guarded. I haven’t made amends. Found closure. Or given closure.

Going through the posts from last month makes me realize I chronicled my nervous breakdown. In just a matter of weeks I don’t recognize the guy I was in January. That is good

There is the counseling notice for employees in the copy room. It is free to call in times of crises. I never called it. But I need to talk to someone. Even if it is just so I know what it is like if I am in a similar situation.

Recap. Things I can’t be honest about. How long I loved the WIL. Our children. There. I said it. I am guarded because it is not only my secrets. It is not just my story to tell. It is our story. Her story. But we haven’t talked. I assume since she hasn’t reached out what she needs from me is to stay away. I am not hiding from her. From her husband. From responsibility. Actually I wish it would air out. If just to see her again. To know about the boys and how they are doing. There. That is honesty

6:19am at my computer in the living room. Last night I had a dream that I had to sneak in and grab my guitar from some post industrial warehouse. The details of the dream aren’t very important but I recall how confident I felt. That is in contrast to dreams where I feel slow, embarrassed, helpless or frustrated. I claim my confidence. I am a leader. I don’t back down. I am charismatic, charming. I am happy. At peace. Powerful. Radiant.

One thing I appreciate about Arizona and this period in my life is perspective. Many of the questions have been answered. 18 years ago when I went to Utah I had only volunteered with Hospice. I had not worked in the field. It was not the industry I would know for almost two decades. My dreams were still vague ideas about music, writing, performing. Now I have The Unaffiliated and The Thirty Day Job Cleanse. I have loved. I have had my children. I have said goodbye to people close to me. Now I can experience the energy of the 2000’s again with the perspective of wisdom and contentment.

My mind slows down at night. I am not overly tired. I am not stressed. I feel like I have good days. I am who I am supposed to be. The experience of the last two months is in the past. Ops review today went well. I am a leader. I am proactive. I am in charge

Filled out my first bracket for the tournament. Makes me think of my brother. Taking time off from work to go watch the games. Take a drive to wendover. This was always my favorite week of the year

I am still going to wrap these posts up into books and publish them. Just so I feel my thoughts are out there. That I am connecting with people. I haven’t had a chance to move posts to word in a while.

I keep feeling better about who I am and writing. Like the thirtydayjobcleanse was close to going over. In some ways it was. In others I had a long way to go. Leader. Voice.