7:39pm Talked with my daughter for half an hour tonight. Her and my wife were driving to get food. She was in a good mood. Called my mom. Today was the last day I spent with my brother before he died five years ago tomorrow. We had a good day. Drove to park city, ate pizza. Played games we liked the last night. It is a great last memory of him.

I got my first clothes subscription box. I like it a lot more than I thought I would. They sent two shirts, pants, a belt and shoes. They still haven’t told me a price so I am a little leery. But I like having a curated “outfit” I wouldn’t have bought myself

Going to go to bed. Tomorrow is a big day. Drive to California. Go out with my daughter then pick up one of her friends and go out again!

7:21am I have a lot of employees who don’t want to work. The site had a reputation for being easy money. I am changing the culture. I am dialed in. I can see success. Expansion. But I am sympathetic. For almost thirteen years I had trouble focusing. Balancing work and life. 9 jobs in 9 years. I am at the point where I can work and thrive. I am living my moment

It has been so long since I explained what “the WIL” means. The WIL stands for the woman I love. I hadn’t thought about her much this morning. Work has been busy. My mind has been occupied by tasks to be completed. Then while working out the song “Happier” by Bastille came on. It started the gut wrenching cycle I have endured for over a year. A thought/song/sight makes me think of her. My mind tells me (reminds me?) I have been dumped. My emotions start to cascade into despair. I mindlessly pile on pity/loneliness/disbelief/hopelessness until I am smothered in overwhelming physical grief. But I have done it enough times I realize what is going on. So another part of my brain furiously throws up defenses. I tell myself to stop, think about other things. I picture the cleaver, cutting off the negative past. I force myself to move on. At that point the urgency abates. I relax. The moment has been survived. I let my guard down. I tell myself how strong I am. That I am proud of myself for not wallowing in the past. I believe I have accomplished something. Since I accomplished something I deserve a reward. I ask myself “what do I want more than anything right now?” The answer to that is of course her. And the cycle begins again. I am tortured. If she loves me like I love her I am broken because we aren’t together. If she is indifferent and doesn’t need me any more I am even more crushed. I will continue to leave her alone. But I can’t move on. I can’t let go. I gave all my happiness and emotions to her over a decade ago. Every positive feeling I have known since I met her evokes thoughts/images/memories of her. Maybe after many years that won’t be the case. Maybe someday she will simply be a girl I used to know. But for now. For the past and for the future she is my goddess. She is my everything.

7:36pm a coworker locked her keys in her office. I drove back tonight to help her out. I called my mom on the way home. Just got off the phone with my daughter. Today was a good day. Two more referrals. Kept me busy this afternoon.

6:30am We are all fleeting. Ephemeral. Our moment must come. Then it must pass. Everyone has a time in their life they cherish. Chances are I won’t go to utah this year. But I still remember the time it was perfect. The thought so many years later stops me in my tracks. I am thankful I experienced that moment. It haunts me forever. I would rather be haunted than never have fully lived.

6:00am I have traveled the thirty mile stretch from my hometown in wyoming to the I-80/I-84 junction in Utah over a thousand times. I know every turn. Each marker evokes memories. I know where I am by what I see. I have the same familiarity with my thoughts. What I think and feel are worn pathways. I know where I am by what I feel. When I am on my walk in the morning I think of two things. First, I recall Memories of the past. These memories usually make me sad. I think about places I lived. Jobs I once had. People I loved. I lament what once was and can never be again. Second I think about numbers. I count the hours/days/weeks/months/years etc that must be endured before I achieve a given milestone. The milestone may be reaching a vacation. Or a anniversary. It might be getting through a difficult time or passing a previous allotment I considered significant. Whatever the case my mind pings back and forth from the past to my numbered future. those familiar activities produce familiar feelings. Like starting the ignition to the car. Once I pull out of the driveway I know where the road will lead. I know where I will end up. This morning I was exhausted. I woke up later than usual. I needed to walk because my body needs exercise. But I dreaded walking. I didn’t want to cycle on the past. I didn’t want to count the same numbers I did yesterday. Or the day before. I wanted to think new thoughts. Experience new feelings. But then I worried. If I got off the familiar road of my thoughts and emotions would I know where I am? I have been on the road to the I-80/I-84 junction a thousand times. I know where I am becomes I have seen the same view a thousand times. The same perspective. If I were to get off the road and could not see certain markers would I know where I am? Where I am going? How to find my way back home?

My thoughts and my emotions are attributes of my persona. They frame my experiences. My reactions. They are known. Predictable. Most of the time that is good. It happens automatically. I know who I am. Where I am going. But they also keep me stuck. I travel the same road to the same destination every day. Once in a while, like this morning, I would like to travel a different road. Find a new destination. Feel something different. Accomplish something new.

7:05pm got a referral first thing this morning. I worked on it myself. Made the day much better. I was busy. I was productive. That is what I need every day

Do you ever have one of those moments where you wonder how the hell you got where you are? I was standing in my kitchen making coffee when I had a powerfully vivid feeling I was in my old house in Dana Point. I turned around to go to the living room and realized I was in Arizona. It felt absurd. one second I was the old me. Living in California, making coffee like I had a thousand times before. The next moment I was the new me. Living in Arizona. A completely different life hundreds of miles away. It felt like I was in a movie where I crossed some unseen timeline. I hesitated. The memory of Dana point felt good. I wanted to linger and experience it more. But it faded away. Just like the past always does…

5:41am I am sick of writing. I am sick of getting no where. I am sick of pining over lost love. Of being scared and frustrated at work. I am exhausted. I don’t want to go over and over emotions that mean nothing. I am in a fucking mood today.

3:25am I have reached the plateau. At the moment I am vexed. My attitude has been positive. I have given maximum effort. I am engaged. I am present. I show up. I do the work. I have accomplished nothing. Revenue is lower than the day I arrived. The hole is getting deeper. I have enacted change. Certain staff have selected out. But with revenue down I can’t replace them. I can generate new business but with licensing survey coming up we are extra cautious. This week has been tiresome.

I dreamed about a giant solar field like the ones outside Las Vegas. In my dream the panels would not work unless they were connected. There was a large section of panels to the left. Another to the right. The middle was empty. I was talking to a group of people about closing the gap. I explained the energy that will be generated when the circuit is complete.

I am the captain. We are on the voyage. I make decisions. I see them through. I am strong. Decisive.

(Just for context…I am beating myself up. I feel like a failure. I fear getting fired. I am frustrated. I want to pout. Scream. Cry. Blame someone or some thing.)