Modesto

In 2013, while working in Modesto, California I was deeply depressed. Probably the most depressed I had ever been. Early this year I was shorting out and breaking down but it wasn’t depression. Modesto was heartbreaking. My daughter was 4 years old. I had just moved to California and the job that brought me went bad quickly (I should have known from the start…) To cope with the depression I would write essays. In fact, the best essays I wrote were during that time. But I had to stop writing. I felt broken inside. The writing was a way to cope. To get the feelings out of me and onto the page. However it had the opposite effect. I was the Vice President of Sales and Marketing for a large non-profit hospice. I needed to be present and engaged. Being depressed and then expending so much mental effort into my depression became even more unbearable. I had to get out of my head and re-enter the ‘real’ world. What I thought was a coping mechanism was creating a vicious circle. In order to survive reality I needed to dampen my inner dialogue. I think of that lesson when I look back over the past three months of journal entries. I am aware I am the star and author of this story. The script I give myself is what I will live. That is why there has been a turn from delving into thoughts of madness to more empowering words. Choosing is not enough. The change in circumstance has allowed me to be more positive. I am thankful. Phoenix is the first time since I can remember in adulthood (15 years and older) that I am fully engaged in the reality of who I am. Inner me is aligned with outer me. In high school I hated school and dreamed of being a rock star. In College the same. In seminary I barely got through class and dreamed about being a writer. Even working as the Hospice Chaplain I dreamed about finding my true place as a writer and thought leader. I am the boss. I am in charge. I am the center of attention. I am charismatic. I am no longer those things solely in my mind. But in the world. It changes my attitude about how I drive, how I dress. How I walk. I am proud of who I am. I succeed everyday.