Sex

There is a pathological need for sex to validate my self worth. Sex proved I was attractive. Even if that meant being unfaithful to my wife, to the WIL. The validation stood apart from my relationships. Guilt/shame were balanced by ego/pride. The guilt made it sporadically necessary. Ego satiation the same. A random encounter became a monumental mountain of high and low. With relief I was attractive and disgust I was unfaithful. a single episode was enough to answer the questions.

Over time the shame and ego stroke lessened. The episodes become less frequent. They were painful betrayals but sacred time with the person even if it was fleeting. With the WIL gone and no longer with the wife there was not an emotional connection to the partner. Everything went flat. Like soda left on the counter over night. The effervescence of sex no longer popped.

The same with alcohol. What I rubbed my dick against. What alcohol I ingested were my twin gods. Alcohol was an activity. Getting drunk opened new worlds. But it just became an activity I did for a couple hours. The high wore off. getting drunk became more synonymous with being sick for two days than being free for five hours.