Future Focused

Holding on to the past is seductive. Uplifting moments now gone is a cheap way to feel something. The past is removed from context so it seems purer. I have always indulged nostalgia. I planned trips to poke around past places to evoke nostalgia. What do I mean by “nostalgia?” It is an energy that emanates from inside me. Right about the top of my stomach. When I have a certain memory it radiates outward. all the way to the end of my fingers, through my legs and the top of my head. The feeling is even more powerful when it sneaks up on me. That is why I would go to places I lived in the past. I would visit an old office. As I drove up I would remember a lunch with colleagues, or a success at work. I never knew what thought or memory would hit. Sometimes I might visit a place and not feel much. Other times memories would flood my mind and I would burst into tears. Just writing this makes me realize how strong nostalgia is. The rush. It is a very formidable high. Lately I have felt trapped by nostalgia. Always trying to relive the past. Missing out on the present. Not anticipating a future. Utah is the most dangerous nostalgia. The job, the place, the woman. They still hold so much power over me. But they are gone. To miss them is futile. Now the rush causes more sadness than joy. I move forward. I am excited about this summer. Spending time with my daughter. Working hard. Anticipating what life has to offer.