Pathways

6:00am I have traveled the thirty mile stretch from my hometown in wyoming to the I-80/I-84 junction in Utah over a thousand times. I know every turn. Each marker evokes memories. I know where I am by what I see. I have the same familiarity with my thoughts. What I think and feel are worn pathways. I know where I am by what I feel. When I am on my walk in the morning I think of two things. First, I recall Memories of the past. These memories usually make me sad. I think about places I lived. Jobs I once had. People I loved. I lament what once was and can never be again. Second I think about numbers. I count the hours/days/weeks/months/years etc that must be endured before I achieve a given milestone. The milestone may be reaching a vacation. Or a anniversary. It might be getting through a difficult time or passing a previous allotment I considered significant. Whatever the case my mind pings back and forth from the past to my numbered future. those familiar activities produce familiar feelings. Like starting the ignition to the car. Once I pull out of the driveway I know where the road will lead. I know where I will end up. This morning I was exhausted. I woke up later than usual. I needed to walk because my body needs exercise. But I dreaded walking. I didn’t want to cycle on the past. I didn’t want to count the same numbers I did yesterday. Or the day before. I wanted to think new thoughts. Experience new feelings. But then I worried. If I got off the familiar road of my thoughts and emotions would I know where I am? I have been on the road to the I-80/I-84 junction a thousand times. I know where I am becomes I have seen the same view a thousand times. The same perspective. If I were to get off the road and could not see certain markers would I know where I am? Where I am going? How to find my way back home?

My thoughts and my emotions are attributes of my persona. They frame my experiences. My reactions. They are known. Predictable. Most of the time that is good. It happens automatically. I know who I am. Where I am going. But they also keep me stuck. I travel the same road to the same destination every day. Once in a while, like this morning, I would like to travel a different road. Find a new destination. Feel something different. Accomplish something new.