Thinking of the WIL

It has been so long since I explained what “the WIL” means. The WIL stands for the woman I love. I hadn’t thought about her much this morning. Work has been busy. My mind has been occupied by tasks to be completed. Then while working out the song “Happier” by Bastille came on. It started the gut wrenching cycle I have endured for over a year. A thought/song/sight makes me think of her. My mind tells me (reminds me?) I have been dumped. My emotions start to cascade into despair. I mindlessly pile on pity/loneliness/disbelief/hopelessness until I am smothered in overwhelming physical grief. But I have done it enough times I realize what is going on. So another part of my brain furiously throws up defenses. I tell myself to stop, think about other things. I picture the cleaver, cutting off the negative past. I force myself to move on. At that point the urgency abates. I relax. The moment has been survived. I let my guard down. I tell myself how strong I am. That I am proud of myself for not wallowing in the past. I believe I have accomplished something. Since I accomplished something I deserve a reward. I ask myself “what do I want more than anything right now?” The answer to that is of course her. And the cycle begins again. I am tortured. If she loves me like I love her I am broken because we aren’t together. If she is indifferent and doesn’t need me any more I am even more crushed. I will continue to leave her alone. But I can’t move on. I can’t let go. I gave all my happiness and emotions to her over a decade ago. Every positive feeling I have known since I met her evokes thoughts/images/memories of her. Maybe after many years that won’t be the case. Maybe someday she will simply be a girl I used to know. But for now. For the past and for the future she is my goddess. She is my everything.