Thinking too far in the past paralyzes me. Thinking too far in the future makes me anxious. There is only today

Ten years ago today I started my first job as a director. It was totally different. I felt like a failure. I didn’t want to be in an office. I felt like a caged bird. I was in Ogden but I couldn’t drive around and be free

I have found a groove of great energy. That is based on perception. Circumstance. But is is a gift of place. I couldn’t find my groove in Dana point. No amount of positive thinking could turn the tide. I needed to change my place. My perspective.

I am patient. I am methodical. Beautiful things swirl around me always. They brush against me and give me happiness. I am open. I am receiving. Blessings flow to me. Through me. It feels wonderful. Magical

This blog has evolved. Three months ago I came here to vomit emotion. Find solace. a path through dangerous thoughts. I wrote to stay sane.

I wrote to confess. Sharing my darkness. I wrote to communicate. I felt so alone.

Now i write to focus. Thoughts still ping around in my head. But when I grab my phone to write I shift into…what should I call it? Uber me?

I have found that toe hold, that wall where I am not interested in wallowing. It has changed me. For the better. It has changed my approach to life. To work. I have confidence. Identity. I am the best version of me. For the first time present me aligns with hopeful me. I can appreciate I am the director. I embrace my persona. My role. How I dress. Look. Act interact. I like me.

I am steady. I am methodical. I have patience. I assess the situation. I develop a plan to address the issues. I execute the plan. I achieve results

In the drive to work thinking how becoming a parent was so hard. There just isn’t enough time in the day to have it all. Self care, exercise,’. Work. Attentive parent.

Becoming a dad gave me everything and took everything away. I am thankful. I wouldn’t change it. But it is hard. I feel guilty saying that.

The temptations is to wallow in a problem. I can write hundreds of word when I am rethink to sort out a negative feeling. It is also easier to wallow. The energy just naturally likes on and seeps in to my soul. But it lives me empty. Choosing to take the time to get dressed, look good. Be the star. Take energy and attention requires commitment. Focus. But is more rewarding

I am the star of my narrative. I am the author of the story. I choose what I experience and how I interpret events. I receive blessings. Gifts.

(Just to note and release) before I’m writing and telling myself the facts from above I would paint myself as a loser or a victim. Trapped. Searching for a way out. List and frustrated. When I type the words above I can feel the flow of my energy shift (side note, autocorrect changed energy shift to merry shits) the energy emanates outward. Not crushingly inward.

I am the leader. I flow outwards. I am blessed and happy. I deserve. I harness the energy. Control it. I am the leader. The champion

A lot of what this post is alluding to has to do with feeling betrayed and abandoned by the WIL. And old energy from past jobs. Time for the Arizona cleaver. Or Phoenix cleaver

I have been thinking about love, sex and relationships this morning. What do I do? Do I shut down? Never be in a relationship, have sex, or love someone again? the memory of the WIL is powerful. It overrules the ability to feel desire for another woman. That is fact. The thought of intimacy on any level other than base superficiality is impossible. I will miss the WIL more than I would enjoy the person I am with.

Beyond that I am married. Have been for 21 years. We have a child together. I love my wife. I love my daughter. But I don’t feel physical attraction to my wife. We are good partners in marriage. We are friends. I appreciate her. But I long for physical touch. Do I shut down? Accept a platonic relationship? Denounce sex, claim abstinence?

Do I say “well, the WIL is gone. She hasn’t talked to me in over a year. I need to move on.”

Do I create an illusion? Put on a surface where I am waiting for the WIL.

Or a faithful husband. But frequent hook up sites and have one night stands?

Do I forsake my wife and the WIL? Start over? Go on a legitimate dating site and try and find a healthy relationship?