Leaving for work, 7:25am I am as happy now as I ever was. I am in the moment. Doing what I need to be doing.

Going back to thielicke I walked my journey “..in order that” I could get to where I was to do the greatest good. I was lost. So was this site. I was looking for stability. So was this site. We found each other in our times of need. It is a relationship that positively impacts thousands of lives. I am proud to be a part of it.

6:29am writing is how I claim a piece of ground. It is my realm. I own it. I don’t have physical space. But in My thoughts. I have ownership. When you read what I write you visit my house. You have conversation with me. We share. We connect. You might engage. Or just observe. But I am present. I am available. I am known.

6:11am. I have to remember to note time and place. Even a little background. I just spent 25 minutes in the uncomfortable camping chair, hunched over my ten plus year old computer, translating posts to a word document. My back and shoulders are sore. I got paid today. Transferred money to savings. First time doing that in a while. I still have thousands of dollars in debt. Tens of thousands. I could make a a bigger pay down. But I am going to keep cash on hand a little longer. It costs me carrying debt and keeping cash but it keeps me flexible. I have resources if needed.

I am 49. If I haven’t developed a narrative in my life by now I probably won’t. If my life doesn’t have a narrative my blog posts likely won’t either. I find my life amusing. Perhaps others will too. I want everyone to read my thoughts. I don’t want anyone to read them.

5:20am There is very little narrative to my thoughts. I barely finish a thought before I move on to another. There is not point. The largest narrative I have is to keep my head down and work this job until the end of the year. That is the longest thread. Work hard. Be engaged. Focus. Lead. Captain every day. Get the ship to port January 2022.

I had a good workout. Ride the recumbent bike. Did squats. Bench press. Flies. Tri ceos. I had a pump. I felt good. Then I saw myself in the mirror. I have a launch. My shoulders are rounded. Years of sitting at desks. Loss of muscle. Ineffective workouts. They take their toll. Getting older sucks

318 am laying in bed. About to get up. Chandler Arizona I dreamed about friends visiting. They had given me many gifts. One was an antique apholstered bench and had a musical organ folded underneath. If you wanted to play you moved the bench and assembled the organ. I didn’t recognize who the friends we’re a man and woman. A couple. They had given many gifts to set up my home.

I dreamed about a basket that was computer generated. There was a flaw. In trying to make it realistic the basket became tedious to create. Though the item was practical it was seldom used because it had to be crafted over many hours strand by strand.

I dreamed about riding a bike high into the mountains south of my hometown in wyoming. A storm was cominf in. I would get wet and cold. I thought I should take a jacket.

There were two other parts. I forgot them as I wrote these down. Why did I have the dreams! Why am I compelled to share them? Can I recall them if I don’t record them instantly? Dreams are fleeting

3:34am when trying to recall the two elements of the dream I remembered two dreams I had many months ago. One walking up a hill in what stood for my hometown. The other driving through a canyon. Both dreams involves steep grades and roads cut into sides of mountains. Interesting those were locked in my brain and could be resurrected

7:53pm my mom has a bad renter in a unit in Wyoming. We talked about it tonight. The shit I have seen from bad employees makes this easy. I was giving my mom advice. She was having a hard time not getting emotional. I told her to call me. I will talk to the renter. My mom seemed relieved. She is too nice to deal with this bullshit. I usually am too nice as well. Arizona captain leader energy has changed me. I like me in Arizona. I wish I could have found this energy 10 years ago. I would have had a lot more fun. I would dread a situation like this last year. Now I relish it.

7:38 I am a bad husband. Possibly the worse and still be considered a husband. I should have been dumped long ago. Is that an indictment on me or my wife?

A colleague confided in me. She told me some issues with her husband. They are separated. He comes over on weekends. He doesn’t clean. He doesn’t pick up. He doesn’t help. He watches tv, eats take out and drinks. The neighbors think he is an asshole. Her words. He has another house with his ex-wife. I was sympathetic. I nodded. I gave incredulous looks. She probably thinks I am a nice guy. Or a halfway decent husband.

In my mind I was thinking about my wife. The stories she could tell about me. I can’t even catalog how absurdly bad I am. Cheating. Affairs. Drinking.

I tried to have it all. My wife. My daughter. A safe home. A secure job. Those things require sacrifice. Instead i acted selfish. I didn’t appreciate my marriage. I fell in love with another woman. I thought I could balance them both. I lost them both.

I drink. My make dangerous choices. I use people. I am a taker. If I give pleasure it is happenstance. Not design. I am a bad husband to my wife. I am pretty bad with relationships as a whole.

I finished Mornings with Henri J.M. Nouwen. I started reading Helmut Thielicke’s Out of the Depths. Thielicke was my dad’s favorite theologian (who is yours?) I could never get into Thielicke growing up. Very dry. Dense. German. But I started reading the first sermon. I am gleaning appreciation.

He wrote in the time of World War 2. Growing up Germany was always the enemy. I never looked at the suffering as universal

“There are many among us who have lost everything and who will find it hard to erase from their minds the horror they have suffered and the collapse of their individual world. And even if they do, they cannot blot out the specific question which we see whenever we look into their wounded and tortured eyes, the question, “Why?”

“In all our misfortunes and catastrophes our deepest human instinct compels us to as who the guilty ones are… we have to raise the startling and insistent question, Why? An obscure feeling forces us to do so.”

“This little word “why” is no torrent of speech. It is only a little drop of three letters. Yet it can cause mortal injury to our souls.”

Thielicke points how (as a christian pastor) how Jesus as a teacher does not take the bait on the question why. Rather he answers “so that…” in order that” by putting the question in a larger context it liberates us from up/down good bad judgement and immerses us in part of a larger meaning and plan.