I woke up at 3:30 this morning. Actually closer to 2:30. I got out of bed at 3:30am. I had a good rest. Slept through the night from 8pm until 2:30. On my walk I struggled to loosen up. I couldn’t get comfortable. Folding myself into an office chair ten hours a day tightens everything up. Coming home and sitting on a camping chair doesn’t help. Then sleeping on an 8 inch foam mattress on the floor seals the deal. I am too old to live like a 19 year old. 30 years ago this was an adventure. Now it is painful.

Next time I move I am renting the truck. Hiring movers to pack it then driving it myself then hiring more movers to unpack. This is ridiculous. The moving company tried to add almost 30% to the original quote after packing the truck. They said 2 to 5 days to deliver. After they pack the truck they say 15 to 30 days. Or even 30 to 45! They have had my furniture for three and a half weeks. I called them the day before yesterday. The guy totally was blowing me off. “Oh yeah, I was just looking at that file.” “Where is it going?” “I will call you back by the end of the day.” I asked him if he had my contact information. I doubt he even bothered to write it down. I will call again today.

Southern California work energy is “we are the best. We only hire the best. Prove you are the best or you are gone.”

Arizona work energy is “we have work to be done. We need someone competent and willing to step up. Will you do it?”

My energy. My talents. My personal perspective is more Arizona.

I feel appreciated. I feel energized. I want to work hard and make a difference. In Arizona I am valuable. In Southern California I am replaceable

Are my thoughts as shallow as my writing? I barely string cohesive paragraphs together. Is that how long I think about a subject before flitting to the next topic?

I am bored. at work. It is noon. I had calls all morning.8am until almost 11am. I have a call at 1pm. Another at 3pm. I would rather be at work than home. Or anywhere else. I am old. I can’t think of anything to do except work, eat, sleep. I used to want to be anywhere except work. I could think of a thousand things to occupy my time. Now being bored at work is the only option besides sitting around and cycling on unproductive thoughts. This past weekend really depressed me. I looked forward to relaxing, watching gold. Sipping a cocktail. I did all that stuff. Yet the experience left me feeling empty. I can’t have free time any more. I don’t appreciate it

I can’t remember my dreams. I know they are there. But the ability to recall them to conscious thought is missing. Like a bridge between two shores. The road can’t be traveled. I know they are over there. Wanting to come over but can’t complete the trip

I have been thinking about the song running to stand still by u2 lately. Great vibe that whole album has

I want to date. Meet a woman. But I don’t want to pay the cost. If I bring another woman into my life I don’t have time or space for my daughter. For my mom. I lose hope for the WIL. Or an idealized notion. I would prefer to be abstinent. I feel stupid just having meaningless drunken encounters. I feel like I use people. That I am shallow and unsafe.

Whatever I became at fifteen is what I am now. I am not smarter. I am not More enlightened. I just have seen more outcomes. The final reward is always the same. To achieve something then look back and marvel at what I have done.

How I look at the world stays the same. Last night I had a dream. I don’t recall the substance but my feelings changed. I didn’t knot up my insides like usual. I didn’t start thinking familiar thoughts to get familiar neural pathways. I was different. Those familiar pathways good or bad form my world view. to step outside them was freeing. Also scary. Having a set understanding of the world catalogs everything. Without the familiarity I am an adolescent again. With them I am tired and frustrated.

The land lady returned most of my deposit today. A couple thousand dollars. Very welcome. I didn’t expect anything back. Yesterday I started missing Dana point. My house. How I had the living room set up. Our Saturday routine before lockdown. How life was before it all changed. It isn’t real. I was broke and unhappy. But the sliver of memory is nice. Dropping my daughter off at music. Running errands. Drinking beer Saturday nights. Going to target Sunday afternoons as a family. A lot has changed for a lot of reasons since 2019.

5:47am (the set up) negativity, anxiety, frustration, doubt. Endless stream. Then I come here and start to write. I find my leader, warrior energy.

I am frustrated with my behavior this weekend. Thoughts about it take away from the positive energy I possess. I apologize. I forgive. I bless and release. I move forward.

I am the captain. I helm this ship through good and bad. Return it safely to port. Mission accomplished. I am in charge. I am the center of attention.

The newness is wearing off. I need to find cruising altitude. Stay in this job. Captain the ship through high and low.

My daughter and wife are sick. Flu? Bad food? I hate when my daughter is sick.

I drank too much on Saturday. I had anonymous hook ups on Saturday. I feel frustrated. Even more than shame. I can’t control my behavior. I hadn’t drank in two weeks. I hadn’t had a hook up in over three months. I don’t want to act that way. Cleaver…

I am the boss. Twelve hours of in control. Strength. Power. Get things done.