10:30am leaving Orange County. Had a good weekend. Spent time with my daughter and her friend on Saturday. Got to come back to the apartment. Watch baseball. Relax have some drinks. Sunday morning my daughter and I went to a breakfast place we hadn’t visited in over a year because of lockdown. Went home and watched anime together. In the afternoon she went to the beach with her friend. My wife and I went shopping, picked up groceries. Got dinner. Watched television. We haven’t just spent time together alone in years. Then my daughter came home. We watched more anime. In the morning I went for my walk. Got coffee. Took the dog out. Ate breakfast. My wife cut my hair. Watched more anime. Now I am leaving. I appreciate the moments I was given this weekend.

6:35am Monday, Memorial Day, outside coffee shop, waiting for my order. Laguna Niguel. Things I can control. Exercise. What I eat/drink. What I wear. Those things I have a say in. I can’t control how people perceive me. At this point I am the person I was designed to be. My actions are set. My reactions as well. When I think I have control I become frustrated. I would be exhausted if I controlled everything. I accept who I am. I accept the results I get from being me.

6:50am the renewal notice came up for thirtydayjobcleanse. I am going to let it expire. This blog is tied to that account. I will move it to another site

6:52 For the record: may 15, 2021 was the day of release. From frustration. Stuck in the past. A good day. Easy to remember

6:56am sitting in this Starbucks parking lot feels like visiting the past. It isn’t so far away or so changed that it feels lost. It isn’t nostalgia. It is truly living a past situation in the moment

6:44am Sunday Memorial Day weekend, outside Starbucks in laguna niguel. I earn the right to stay at my job. That the financials look bad is natural given the state of the program. I was selected to be the leader. I assess the situation. I create a plan. I articulate that plan. I execute that plan.

9:28am palm desert, Saturday morning. I am thinking about my “audience.” In the past I spent energy performing for people that didn’t exist. I create an audience in my head. I talked to them. I acted for them. I existed for them. things starts Changing at the first of the year. This blog was born out of a need to step outside that. The blog is public. It is able to be viewed by anybody. I started it because I wanted to be known. But there is no true audience. I don’t share this blog. I don’t promote it. I don’t even edit, filter or proofread it. I just put it out there. Half public, mostly hidden. Moving to Arizona, taking this job created another change. now I am the boss. When I go to work I interact with people. I am engaged with a true “audience.” for a long time I still cling to my imaginary one. As a result I was exhausted. Having two audiences was not productive. I didn’t know who I was trying to please. Who I was performing for. Earlier this week I made the most subtle observation. Slight change in mindset. I am not performing for my imaginary audience. I only perform when I am interacting with people. This has given me more energy. More focus. Improves my actual interactions.

12:21am Saturday the program is a reflection of me. It is somewhat liked, appreciated but ultimately not profitable. I worked hard, I gave it my all. I am proud of my effort. I am Disappointed with my results. Starting next week the familiar pattern will begin… time to start looking for another job

6:28am I am almost 50. I am old enough to remember my thirties as youth. I spent the last 13 years of my life trying to recapture that time. Now I accept its passing. It was my moment. I lived it. I cherish it. I am thankful.

4;54pm subtle shift in thinking. I am no longer performing for an internal make believe audience. The audience is interacting with people.

6:16am Thursday at home. I am done with Utah. California is where we raised our daughter. Where she calls hone. It is home for me now. It will be until I die.

10:58pm there is a scapula shaped energy that rises out of my body. Off center, behind my head, to the right. It glows red and hot. Often I call it anxiety. Removed from context it is a force. A force that wakes me. Drives me. Strengthens me. It is always present. Demanding interpretation. It can’t be diminished. It can’t be destroyed. I am always vigilant. The wrong application of meaning will melt the reactor of my soul. Every single thought I possess is in dereference to this energy.